This is a letter-in-progress for my brother, although I don’t know if he’s ever going to read it. I’ll add to it or revise as I think about it. Comments are welcome, flames are not.
Dearest and best brother ever –
Can’t believe how much I’ve been missing you this week. It’s been tougher than I’d expected with you out of town – I figured there’d be more stuff to keep me busy. Easy to forget how much time we spend together…
and really tough to think about leaving you here this summer when it’s my turn to go away. Not as far away from here as you are right now, but for a lot longer than a few weeks. Wherever I wind up, I really don’t know how often we’re going to have time to come see each other. (Let alone visit Scotland and Wales.) And that’s something I can’t quite bear to face, actually, and yet I can’t help but face it right now.
Got a job interview tomorrow. Sounds like a good job, a fun job, one that’d be a real step up – or at least finally a step away, officially out of school for good. (Unless I get the teaching job instead. Fingers crossed!) Taking it means leaving here – well, that’s okay, I’m about tired of this town anyway. Leaving you is a million times harder. So’s the thought of starting someplace new without my brother. Wish I could say “come with me” and know that I mean it. Wish I could say “we won’t ever leave each other” and know that I mean it. Wish I could say “want me to ask about domestic partner benefits?” and know for sure that that’s what I want.
Wish I knew for sure what you want, actually. You’ve never been all “ooh, gotta convert the straight guy!” or anything, but once in a while there’s a flash of something. It looks a lot like hope. Is it? I’ve said it before and I’ve meant it every time, if there’s ever a guy for me to fall in love with, it’s you. Is that what I’ve done? (Have you done it too?)
We’ve almost always called it “brothers”. That’s still what it feels like to me, nearly all the time. And I can’t begin to say how awesome it is to finally have a brother. I am absolutely sure that this brotherhood is a gift from God. And that it will never end, no matter how big a chunk of the planet is in between us.
Having a brother must be different from having a sister. As much as I love “Allie”, leaving her behind when I went off to school has never once made it feel like a piece of me would go missing. (Possibly my heart. Dunno, I’m not really super-familiar with that particular organ. I’m fairly sure it’s not my kneecap.)
I know some of your favorite stories on Nifty are about brothers who fall in love with each other and stay together always as lovers. Often with psychic powers.
I don’t know if I can do that. The lovers, anyway.
I don’t know that I don’t want to try.
But trying it can only lead to two places…. “happily ever after” or some kind of end.
I do not want the end.
I do not want to drift down that road just because it’s convenient.