Looking Back

August 22, 2011

It’s been nearly two years since my last post here. Been busy with my new job. Been less in touch with my “brother” – it’s tough to maintain that kind of closeness across a 9 hour drive, and we’ve both been busy with work and travel. (We’re still bros – that never changes – but there’s not as much feeling of “I’m so in love with you that it’s really messing me up and I don’t want to say anything” when we’re not sharing our lives so closely.)

Also, I’ve finally met the right person for me. Yes, that turned out to be a woman. 🙂 She does not know about this site, nor about the activities, attitudes and feelings it describes. I’m not sure that she ever will; I’m not sure that we’d be able to get past that surprise – and, perhaps, feeling of betrayal or loss. (Turns out “I’ve never had sex with a woman” sounds like “I’ve never had sex” when you don’t expect the speaker to have been with a man, either.) This part of my life is basically now in the past… I’m not the same man I was at 25. (I do need to be careful to avoid comparisons in the bedroom. Turns out there are some things that guys really do better for each other than girls can.)

So this is probably a “last post” sort of message. Comments will still be active, and I’ll approve those as I get the time… with a few exceptions for specific posts. (Most guys who find this through a search engine look for how to seduce a straight guy, but – as I explain there – I’m not going to help with that.)

If someone else who’s dealt with, or is still dealing with, feelings and thoughts about other guys… want to come on as a “guest” author? I’m willing to share the stage, especially now that I’m turning off the spotlight. You can contact me privately through guystogether@gmail.com.

If you’re just finding this site because you’ve realized you’ve got feelings for someone you never expected to… you’re not alone, other guys have been in the same place. Feelings don’t mean a lot… it’s how you handle them that shows who you love, and what you’re like as a human being and as a man. Read the rest of the site for one guy’s thoughts on that, and good luck.


Three dimensions

December 13, 2009

I don’t pretend this is new and original, but I’ve found it helpful to be as precise and definite as possible in terms of thinking about how people interact (guy-guy and guy-girl). (Occupational hazard.)

There’s three ways to relate to another human being. (Ok, at least three, but three for now.)

There’s the social level. This is friendship – who do we like to spend time with? If it’s mostly/exclusively other guys, then we might consider that we prefer to socialize with the same sex. That is, homosociality. Preferring to socialize with women might be described as heterosocial. “Socialize” here I think is a little more than just “who do you like to hang out with”, but it’d include that too. I’d argue that most guys are homosocial by nature; it’s easier for us to understand each other than it is to understand women. Not a big deal either way.

(The stereotypical “feminine” gay man is the exception to this. Socializing is based partly on shared interests and mindset/attitude. Friends don’t all have to like exactly the same list of “approved manly” things, but when there’s nothing in common to talk about… it’s a little awkward. Possibly this explains what has been described as “Gay Fatigue”? Tomboys or (I guess) “butch” lesbians would also be exceptions.)

There’s the romantic level. Again, one can have romantic feelings mostly for people of the opposite sex, mostly for people of the same sex, or some of both.

There’s the sexual level. No big surprise that there’s that same spectrum here – sexual desire exclusively for the opposite sex, mostly for the opposite sex, half-and-half, mostly for the same sex, exclusively for the same sex.

So, three dimensions. They’re not automatically related – being strongly homosocial is perfectly compatible with being strongly heteroromantic and heterosexual, or also with being homoromantic and homosexual. “Romance” and “sex” aren’t always linked (“correlated”) either. “Homosexual but heteroromantic” (or hetero for sex but homo for romance) would be awkward, though!

I think the tension about being bi comes, in part, from combining “homosocial” and (partly) homo-sexual with hetero-romantic. I’ve slowly realized that I’m not entirely hetero-romantic, either, or at least there’s one shining exception. Although it really doesn’t feel like the same kind of “romance”, either. Or maybe it’s just that I know that he’s not ever going to want flowers and sparkly shiny jewelry?

Weird coincidence?

September 12, 2009

I was looking through the “casual encounters” section on craigslist – don’t ask why – and ran across an interesting picture:

from the ad

from the ad

Well, hes’ not a bad looking guy, not really my type but I’m not even sure I’ve got a “type” for guys.  What I’m trying to figure out is whether that’s the same guy as this:

definitely him

definitely him

(best pic I can find right now)

Because, if so, then that same ad showed WAY more of his body than I’d ever seen before.  And I’m fairly impressed.  😛

(And a little surprised that he’s posting an ad looking for a guy, although he’s hinted that he’s “curious” before, including to me and my “brother”, although he doesn’t know about us being “close” like that.)

I did it again.

July 18, 2009

Long distance relationship, that is. Time to rewind, not sure I’ve given all the info here.

A few months back, I finally decided that the (female) friend I’d had the crush on for so long was never going to be anything more, and that I really ought to get past her. That was partly due to her deciding to take a job literally on the other side of the world, so it’ll be 2-3 years before I’d see her again anyway. And partly I got tired of the idea of long-distance relationships. I’d been looking around here, stepped that up some.

Read the rest of this entry »

New story

July 17, 2009

Hello all!

I have a feeling this will be a long post, and I’m hoping that it won’t be in vain since the last post on this topic is almost a month old now.
Read the rest of this entry »

Yeah, that’s pretty close.

May 17, 2009

Yep, this sucks

November 13, 2008

I knew when I moved away that it’d be tough to get together very often… plane tickets for a weekend are a bit of a luxury and it’s a 9 hour drive each way.  But there was fall break – oh yeah, our two schools don’t take fall break the same week.  I did get up there in September for a nothing-but-fun trip (as opposed to August, which involved some work to get the rest of my stuff moved).  But a weekend once a month isn’t exactly long enough when you’re used to spending 50 hours a week together.  And October’s visit collapsed under two busy schedules, and now he’s dealing with some serious family crisis stuff.  Sigh.

Just wish I could be there to help – someone to vent to, someone to relax with.  Email and IM work but it’s not quite as spontaneous and open as saying it in person. So it really sucks that this particular crisis isn’t one I can help with at all at all at all.  😦

BTW, if anyone’s got tips on a reasonably successful way to reverse some of the symptoms of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), please let me know so I can pass it on?  He could really use some ideas about now.