Painful realization

September 14, 2009

So, after a while of being oblivious, I finally realized something this afternoon while doing laundry.

I love my best bud (who I’ve talked about on this site a time or twelve before). I’m also in love with him. I haven’t told him about that. I’m not eager to do it, but I’d “be gay” for him if it meant for sure winding up together.

I also want to love the girl I’m dating. I’m not sure that I do, yet. She’s very interested in me, but there’s a couple little things in the way – the condo she can’t sell to move down here, for instance. We disagree about kids (me = yes, her = no way), maybe a few other things. No objections to “being straight” to wind up with her, if that’s what I really want to do.

I’m 32 and afraid of winding up all alone, and very very tired of feeling unsure about which team I’m playing on. I want to pick one or the other and deal with it. The easier option is picking her. I’d be willing to try with him — IF I was sure he wanted to also. But I have no idea if he’d have any romantic interest in me at this point. Or ever. He’s been mentioning some other guy lately, I assumed he was just a friend but apparently there’s maybe a romantic vibe there.

So…. in some ways I’d be happier coming clean to him and seeing if he’s interested. (Wouldn’t be all a walk in the park, I know.) But, I’d only want to actually decide “I’m gay” if (and only if) it meant winding up with him; never been able to imagine being with any other guy but him. If it doesn’t – he’s not interested in me that way, he’s not interested in moving down here, whatever – then I guess the “experimentation” phase of my life is kinda over without me getting any say in it.


Make yourself different

July 1, 2008

“You deny who you are by hoping to make yourself different.”

That was a comment from another of these “gay pigeonholers”, posted over at My Hetero Gay Life*.

What an absolutely bizarre notion! Of course I hope to make myself different; I do not consider who I am now to be so close to perfect as to lack room for improvement. Or looking back – am I the same person that I am now (at 31) as I was at 15? No – thank God! Do I hope to be the same way in another 31 years? Absolutely not.

But I doubt that that’s exactly what the commenter (“ewe”) meant. (S/he’s welcome to explain here if s/he really likes.) I suspect that the meaning rather was “by hoping to be not-gay, you deny that you are gay”. Except that that makes no sense either.

Perhaps, “you deny that what you are is good, if you hope to be otherwise”. (The statements “what you are is good” and “what you are is perfect” are not of course identical.) Well, that part may be true enough; I suppose that, if Jay (of M.H.G.L.) confidently agreed with the idea that he should leave his wife and kids and “straight life” behind, he wouldn’t be blogging about his struggle to resist that.

On the other hand, why on earth should anyone be content with the way he is now? (As far as “degree of perfection” goes, anyway, and distinct from being “content in every circumstance”.) Would you tell a fat man “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to make yourself thin”? or an alcoholic, “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to keep yourself sober”? or a single man (of any orientation) “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to find a partner”?

(“But those are all BAD things that you compare it to! That’s homophobic!” Fine – but the whole point of the comparison is to other circumstances in which someone wants to change. Does a fit man wish to be fat? Does a happy sober man want to wash his life down the drain with a bottle of Scotch? Not everyone who has same-sex desires is happy with them, and people (like ewe) who suggest otherwise can be astoundingly offensive about that fact. “It’s good enough for me! you should like it too!” Yes, and heterosexual desires are “good enough” for most people…)

“You deny who you are”… No, he’s just accepting that there are bonds and vows more important than lust, and that life can be far more complicated than some would try to pretend. Or, to put it another way – he’s being more than gay, choosing to be his own man rather than stamping himself into a mold.

Another gem from ewe: “it is gay people that tolerate straight people, not the other way around which is what we are led to believe is needed.” Right, ’cause you sure don’t tolerate gay people who aren’t gay in the way you think they should be.

*(Great blog, that, by the way… I can very easily see myself in a similar situation, so it resonates quite strongly with me. And I absolutely admire his honesty about the conflicts he feels, and his determination to “man up”, denying his own desires for the sake of his wife and family. That takes far more balls than jumping out of the closet into a world of show tunes and gay pride parades ever would.)

Letter in progress

May 26, 2008

Hey, does it count as cheating if I add a page, and then post about adding the page? Naaaah!

So, yeah, it’s a letter to (but not necessarily for) my brother. Feel free to read along!

EDIT: Ooh, this makes 50 published posts in …. wow, it’s been nearly a year.

Bored now…

May 19, 2008

… says Evil Willow.

And Reasonably-Good Me.  My brother’s out of town – on a different continent, even! – for three weeks.  Which leaves me hunting around for stuff to do, since a shockingly large part of my spare time is spent around him these days.  Well, not *these* days, but lately.

Which is not a good thing, for either of us, since I’m still likely to be moving away at the end of the summer.  That’s gonna be tough. 😦  We floated the idea again of him moving too, and hey, let’s just get an apartment together.  Except I’m not really sure how good an idea that’d be, for either of us… it’d be fun, but it’s not gonna “clear up” anything about what kind of relationship this is or what we want it to be.  I mean, if I ever do “go gay” for him (with calling it “boyfriends” or “partners” or whatever) – well, I guess I can handle that, but I want it to be a deliberate sort of thing, not just “it’s been 5 years since we moved in together and I guess it’s true what everyone’s been assuming about that”.  And not unless he asks, seriously.  (Or is that just a safe loophole, since I know he’s not very likely to ask?)

Anyway.  Yeah.  Need stuff to do over the next few weeks, besides work.  Not that I’m short of work!

Leaving… him?

March 27, 2008

Was “reminded” the other day by my boss that my job ends this summer. (It was a two-year contract position. Not likely to get renewed, and I don’t think I’d take it if he offered. Not been the best “fit”, that job.)

I basically took the job because it was in the same town as I’d been living in for grad school. And thus, the same town as my bro. It’s a nice college/high-tech town, and I mostly haven’t minded living here so long – 9 years now, when I’d only expected 5, tops! But quite honestly, the real reason I took the job was to stay here with him.

Not that I usually allow myself to think about that…

Read the rest of this entry »

“Hate crimes” legislation is bad, ‘k?

March 21, 2008

I don’t usually get into politics, particularly not “LGBT issues”. This started out as a comment on 22rants, but it got a bit long so I moved it here. Feel free to blame him 😀

If I murder someone, that’s bad. That should already be punished quite severely – more severely than it usually does, what with pleas of insanity and “extenuating circumstance” or whatever.

If I murder someone who’s not identical to me – then there’s likely to be some kind of reason for it.

  • I might murder my wife; is it because I want to be rid of her without a divorce, or is it because I hate women?
  • I might murder my accountant; is it because he knows I’m stealing money from the company, or do I hate him because he’s Jewish?
  • I might murder my neighbor; am I tired of his poorly-kept yard and the three barking dogs, or do I hate him because he’s black? Read the rest of this entry »

  • The strongest classroom

    March 20, 2008

    From a question asked on Yahoo! Answers:

    I picture myself having sex with another guy but i definately wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy. I hide this too in front of my friends (like I would insult a gay guy just so they wouldn’t think I’m gay or bi).

    I have no idea how old the guy is. (No, it’s not me. Heh.) I assume he was or is a teenager in a public school. The interesting thing was that he feels he has to insult gay guys.

    Read the rest of this entry »