Guys Together: About the site

Guys Together is a site for thinking about close male relationships.  Specifically, friends, brothers, roommates.

I’ve been thinking in particular about what happens when such a relationship includes a sexual component… and same-sex attraction in general.  I grew up with a younger sister, but no brothers, or even close male friends.  Now as an adult, I’ve got such a friend.  He’s an only child, so we both grew up wishing for a brother – and now we have one.  🙂    Yes, that includes sharing some pretty intimate moments with each other.  (Details of what goes on are gonna be kept kind of to a minimum – I’m not trying to write porn.)  It also includes a lot of other shared interests – travel, movies, TV, music, hiking.  We’ve got similar but complementary tastes so it’s been fun to share that, too.  (In other words, it’s not just that we’re closet sex-buds.)

Only “catch” – and the motivation for this journal – is that he identifies as gay, and I’ve always identified as straight.  “Classic recipe for unrequited love! boring!” you say, flipping to the next site.  Thing is, my lack of experience with brotherhood/close male friends growing up has left me kind of in the air on my exact feelings… and motivations… and desires.  I know for sure that I’m into women.  I’m less certain about why I’m willing to do some of the things I’m quite willing to do – with him.

So, that’s what this site is about: Me!  Rather, about how guys relate to each other, regardless of what label they’d put on themselves, and in particular my thoughts on how my bro and I get along.

If you’ve got thoughts on that – got brothers?  worked through similar stuff yourself? – please feel VERY free to comment.  I’m writing stuff here in large part because I have no idea who to talk to about it.  If you’ve wound up understanding yourself in a way you’re happy with (for instance, deciding that you’re bi or gay), feel free to share it – but realize that you and I are different people and the shoe that fits you may not fit me.

If you’ve read this and you’re certain you’ve figured out that I’m gay too and just in MASSIVE denial about it all – well.  I’m not going to say you’re absolutely wrong, but I think it’s a little more complicated than that.  If that’s the eventual conclusion – well, I can think of worse ones.  But you’re not going to be the first person to suggest it, and you’re not going to convince me by just saying it.

If you’ve read this and you’re totally shocked that any so-called “straight” guy would possibly have any doubts about it… eh, again, there’s different people in the world.  If I post something about what my bro and I do and you wanna chime in with how you and your buds would’ve done it (or not done it!) – that’s great.

I guess the last three paragraphs boil down to this:  Sharing experiences and thoughts about our motivations and reactions is great.  Trying to suggest labels without thoroughly thinking through the motivation isn’t going to be seen as very helpful.  Trying to “force” labels based on some kind of checklist of “acceptable” gay/straight behavior is not welcome.

Thanks for listening.


22 Responses to Guys Together: About the site

  1. john peters says:

    Interested to read your site

  2. Jia says:

    Hey, I think your story is really sweet. I wish you all the best with your friendship 🙂

  3. Phillip Nicholls says:

    thank you for this site. seriously. At least there is one other person in the world who feels the way i do

  4. maybebi says:

    Phillip – I figure there almost always is… part of my hope for this site was bringing them (“us”) out of the woodwork… feel free to share as much or as little as you want, anywhere on this site.

  5. Older Guy says:

    This is a really interesting site. I’m struggling with these issues myself at the moment. Over the past year I’ve made the most fantastic friendship with another guy, but things are made more complicated by the fact that I’m straight, married with kids and twenty years older than him and he’s gay. I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him, but the emotional connection is incredibly strong and I think we do love each other. It is such a difficult place to be in at times, mostly because my wife of 20 years just can’t understand why I enjoy spending time with him and what I get from the friendship.

  6. inlovewithbestfriend says:

    I came across your blog in search for answers about my feelings toward my best friend, and found that I’m in a similar situation to your “bro.” My best friend is straight (and probably much less open to trying things than you seem to be), and I thought I was straight until I started to realize I had very strong feelings and attractions toward him, so I really don’t know or care what “label” I fit into when it comes to sexual orientation. I really don’t know what to do about it, whether or not I should ell him how I feel, etc, but reading about your situation at least makes me feel like I’m not the only one out there in a similar situation. My question to you is how did your “bro” come out to you? did you already know he was gay? I guess my biggest fear is jeopardizing my friendship over making him uncomfortable about my attraction to him. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your blog, and thank you for going out on a limb and making this blog.

    • maybebi says:

      @inlove: Welcome and I’m glad you found this – there don’t seem to be a lot of guys unexpectedly “on the fence” like this, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to encourage each other.

      I guess I kind of knew pretty early after we started hanging out. It was never a big deal for me either way. I think that made it easier to predict how he’d react in terms of physical contact. It also made it a little harder in terms of the emotional contact – we were sort of “boyfriends lite” for a while I guess, and I don’t think that would’ve happened if he’d been coming from the same “straight but confused as to why I don’t care if we wake up spooning” angle as me.

  7. Mark says:

    Found the blog by chance the other day. I identify as Bi and my best friend of nearly two decades identifies as straight, yet over the last week he asked me to sleep with him while we were both drunk, I did it and nothing ever felt more natural, I think for both of us, yet now he seems to be avoiding me…damn the labels and damn the confusion, I know who I am, but my bff seems to not…and he has a girlfriend to top it all off so I’m a horrible person, but…like you seem to concur with…there is that trust, that closeness that only “brothers” seem to be able to tap into. And now I’m confused about my feelings for him too : (
    but, reading your site is nice to make me feel so not alone in my situation : )

  8. phantomlover says:

    It’s such a relief to find this site.

    I’ve had strong feelings for my friend for over 20 years although it never felt like an option to tell him. I couldn’t even entertain the possibility of losing him as a friend. We both got married to women we love and have let our friendship drift slighly over the years. He’s now unfortunately going through a divorce and we’ve re-connected.

    However lovely it is to see him on a regular basis and to help him though a very hard time, it’s also reminded me of how much deep feeling I have for him. So deep that I’m scared of the repurcussions it may have.

    He’s recently started making lots of homosexual “jokes” even to the extent of joking that he’s told his ex-wife that he & I are “finally together”. He hasn’t, obviously, but I can’t help feeling that he’s sending out signals to test the water. Which I’d love to confirm for him but am scared to and sometimes I think it’s just my wishful thinking and it makes me feel foolish.

    I’m also keenly aware that he’s in a very vulnerable position at the moment and I would never take advantage of that. I love him too much for that.

    I know there’s no easy answer and possibly not an answer at all. It’s just nice to have found somewhere to share this with like-minded guys.

    Ultimately, I guess I have be grateful that he’s in my life at all.

  9. Lesk says:

    I’m really glad I’ve come across your blog and seen I’m not the only one with such ‘problems’.

    Where do I begin? Well, first of all, I need to tell you I had a brother whom I could grow up with. So there was no lack of brotherhood when I was a kid as in your case. Unfortunately my brother died when on his teens leaving a huge emptiness in my life. After his death I actually realized how close we were and how empty my life became, and that’s how my search for a bromance started.

    To make a long story short – I met HIM when I started my first year at uni and it was a click from the first sight (hahaha…). I had finally found that missing piece in my life. Even his family started to treat me as one of them. And I really felt like I’d fitted in. It was a strong emotional connection and nothing more. So our friendship evolved over the time and after a while I began to realize that I had a huge crash on him. To make things even worse for me we shared a bed a few times. Nothing happened, even though you could cut the tension with a knife.

    But there was this one night we were out, sitting in a pub, drinking wine, talking bubbles and suddenly our eyes met. I can’t describe what I felt back then. I was definitely very scared and even more excited at the same time. We kissed. That was awesome and felt soooo natural. I couldn’t actually sleep that night thinking of what had happened and plotting all those weird scenarios in my head, and asking myself all those ‘why’ and ‘how’ questions. The morning after he claimed he didn’t remember a thing blaming our ‘drinking night out’ for whatever might then have happened. Until our next encounter…

    It happened when we went snowboarding together. We were staying in this small private cabin so not only had we to share a room but also a bed! That night we got close and ended up having oral sex. We both wanted it to happen equally. A few days later I got completely cut off from his life and learnt he’d started dating this gal of his. They got pregnant and married (in this order) and I was left devastated. A total mess. I couldn’t find my own place for a long time, so to forget about him and make peace with myself I moved abroad and did more studying. You know, just to keep my head occupied. As they say, out of sight, out of mind…

    It’s been a while now. We haven’t spoken to each other since our ‘breakup’, and as of now I don’t picture myself with any other guy or anyone at all to be completely honest. I simply enjoy being single for the time being and I really mean it. Am I over him? Dunno. I’d like to think so though. But I’m also afraid that if he asked me to be with him right away, I would totally do it, no matter what. But this is very unlikely to happen. 🙂

  10. libra says:

    Hi i find this blog very useful…I m actually intersted in a guy who looks complete straight and we often talk about girl friends and such stuff…But the thing is i have a strong crush on him…And i want him to do orals even he dont want complete..Even kissing and hugging is enough…I m totally mad b him..But dont know how to tell him my feelings….I m afraid that our friendship might not get disturb either..My age is 19 and he is 25..I want him at any cost.Can anyone plz tell how to get him.even for a single day……Wating for your comments….a worried boy..

    • maybebi says:

      libra: Glad you’ve found it interesting.

      I’m not sure I followed all of what you said, but there’s basically 4 things that can happen if you try to get your friend into bed. (1) Maybe it’ll work and you guys have sex. He gets cold feet after that and you never talk again – end of friendship. (2) It works and you guys have sex and he’s okay with that – friendship continues. (If he’s really straight he may not be interested in any kind of romance with a guy.) (3) It doesn’t work and he’s not okay with it and you never talk again – end of friendship. (4) It doesn’t work but you’re still friends.

      You know this guy way better than I do, so you can guess better which way it’d happen. Are you willing to bet your friendship with this guy on a chance at a relationship that (very possibly) could never happen? Or the sex? Personally I’d rather have the friend than the sex, but it’s your call.

  11. AJ says:

    Hay, I like your site. I get upset when guys think I’m gay, but all I want is a close brotherly friendship. I think the western world is mess up with what’s homosexual and not. Why can’t straight guys have deep friendships together? What’s wrong with giving a hug, skinny-dipping, or staying over night and talk in the same bed? Come-on. It’s not like we are having sex. Good-grief!

    • maybebi says:

      I hear ya, man. There’s too much focus on sex as a way to relate to each other. Probably not a lot you can do about it all by yourself, though – some of that’s going to come across as “gay” to guys who are conditioned to react that way. Hugging might be the easiest one to change your friends’ minds about – who doesn’t like a hug now and then?

  12. G.A.S. Guys says:

    You got to see this.

  13. bruce rovelstad says:

    I just came across this site while looking for answers. Briefly, I’m in my forties now, but when I was in my teens I had a friend very similar to your sitiuation. I was orphaned at thirteen when I was in junior high. I met Mike at this time. He was a good looking guy, very masculine. I on the other hand am Gay and act “slightly” femenine. But Mike didn’t care. I had alot of straight guy friends but he was different. At first I fell in love with him, ( I kept this to myself for many years). But after getting to know Mike, I found more what I needed, that was a “Friend”. He knew that I was Gay before I myself did! We grew close, we slept over at each others house (in the same bed) we would shower together after swimming. Mike never had a fear of me tearing into him, but he saw me as cute and funny.
    We treated each other with respect, and made damn sure we had each others back. When I was 15 years old I was attacked by 4 boys who thought I must like sucking ANYONES dick. They held me down at knife point and sexually asaulted me. I told no one, I lived with a Homophobic bigger brother, who would have said I was just looking for it, or I must have liked it! The one and only person I told, was my friend. He conforted me, letting me know that I was not at fault. Mike was so mad he wanted to take revenge out on my attackers. I pleaded not to stir things up, it would only make things harder for me. Back then schools didn’t have “No Bullying” laws in effect.
    The years went by and as hard as it was I went on with life, Still faulting myself for the rape. Mike and I stayed close, I even introduced him to his future wife. One day after finding out that he had some medical issues and that he might have to have surgery, Mike was scared. So he came over to my apartment just to talk. I think he was just looking for a kind shoulder and he knew I would always be concerned. This was I think the first time I saw him really scared. I put my arms around him and patted his back. He began to cry, I never saw this before. I turned and gave him a comforting kiss on his cheek, he pulled back for a moment, and looked me square in the eyes. Mike grabbed my face and placed his lipps on mine. We shared a very sensual, but innocent kiss. After that we hugged, then sat down and talked. Not of “sex” but Mikes medical condition.
    After that day life went on, Mike got married and had three kids. We never talked about ” the kiss”. life for us just went on. After marriage, I didn’t see him much. We grew apart.But don’t think I don’t think of him. I’ve had wet dreams of him. But most of all I just miss that FRIEND. We went thru alot together. Did that “KISS” make him more Gay? “NO Did it make me less Gay? “NO” It was just one friend showing the other, that things would be alright. And they were.

  14. Pete says:

    Yes it is very complicated. Sometimes it really more physical reactions similar to masturbation. Meaning once the physical stim is started it doesnt matter to the brain whos doing it. Unless your fear leads to panic. Then the whole sex drive shuts down. This relates to penile sttim specifically.
    Another push/ need/ drive seemingly common and largely unexplored is anal. Havent been able to figure it out exactly. It is a need for prostate manipulation i suppose but there is also an associated psychological component of submission and domination. Theories of all kinds of social development abound on this. But the seeming fact is there are always more bottoms in a given community than tops.
    Attraction to women is more studied but not necessarily less complicated. You are expected to physiclly somewhat mentally dominate a woman in the sex act to many more men this harder and to get in the mindset with active womens rights and associated attitudes. I beleive this often leads men of a lesser drive to seek out releasee in. The comfort of less complicated nsa male to male interaactions. This not saying their are not men born gay. But ideas abbout us who find a comfoort in men andd women sexua conttact.. Iphone here sorry. For all thhe spellling probs

  15. George says:

    Thank you! Well I’m labeled as gay but I’m more straight than ever not feminine at all… And i have my best friend almost brother really who I’m desperately in love with who is straight, we went to europe together and I just fell for him because he was really nice and sweet and I thought he was gay but turns out he’s not? But the other night he slept over and I was flicking through the channels on tv and a porn movie came on and it for some reason was all lesbian scenes and he was not at all arroused so I’m a little confused and don’t know what to do but I want to ask to see if he’s curious while in the moment? Good idea or no?

    • Jack says:

      MMMM be careful to read into any actions or inactions for that matter…maybe he was uncomfortable to show his arousal …rather try to be aware of any signals he gives verbally that he may be willing to explore when you are in the dont want to ruin a firnedship either…but I know how you feel I had a best friend and for many years was deeply in love with him he is straight and marry today and on many occasions I almost went for it, but am now glad I didn’t as we are still as close as ever…my gay and he straight.

  16. Jack says:

    Hi there all, sexuality is not really cast in stone and is a deeply rooted psychological matter that is branched in various directions by so many stimuli when we grow up. I also spent a large part of my early life as straight and even got engaged to a woman, who I was deeply in love with, and adored…but the closeness of a male friend was always there and I knew I preferred that…I came out as gay only about five years ago and have been very happy to actually place myself where I felt most natural and comfortable sexually, this is in a gay context. I am not a psychologist and I just think people should do and be what makes them happy, without hurting others if possible. I gues a lot of the comments on here are manifestations of real frustration and battle, and this is not a good way to lead one’s life. We are conditioned to do and think too many things by society and parents, who usually do not have any answers either. I hope you find piece and happiness to be the wonderful person you were made to be, regardless of what sexual and / or love comfort you find. Pursue happiness,not only finding answers…because often not finding answers can lead to compounded unhappiness.

    • maybebi says:

      “Happiness” is such an elusive goal. When we’re 2 years old, we’d be “happy” with a cookie and a crayon. Is that all we should strive for at age 30? Or should we accept that our needs change as we age? “… to be the wonderful person you were made to be, regardless of what sexual and / or love comfort you find”. Huh. That’s not something that most people would identify with from within a relationship. Sure, we shouldn’t base “happiness” (or our sense of being “a wonderful person”, whatever that involves) on whether we’re in a relationship, or the attributes of our partner. Being single isn’t a bar to being happy, and being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee it. But there’s short-term “happiness” and there’s long-term joy.

      “Pursue happiness, not only finding answers” – again, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal. If that’s YOUR ultimate goal, that’s fine, and may I suggest a solid dose of mood-altering drugs followed by suicide? That’ll guarantee maximum happiness for the short term. Assuming that you’re still with me, having NOT done that, you recognize that there’s more to life than pursuing pleasure and happiness. Frequently that involves understanding yourself… or at least examining yourself.

  17. hmm…..interesting. Bruce. You are awesome….you are a great friend and not gay. You are sensitive in nature, and sometimes your fear of being different than other guys causes arousal. That does not make you gay. What an awesome friendship you had!

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