Painful realization

So, after a while of being oblivious, I finally realized something this afternoon while doing laundry.

I love my best bud (who I’ve talked about on this site a time or twelve before). I’m also in love with him. I haven’t told him about that. I’m not eager to do it, but I’d “be gay” for him if it meant for sure winding up together.

I also want to love the girl I’m dating. I’m not sure that I do, yet. She’s very interested in me, but there’s a couple little things in the way – the condo she can’t sell to move down here, for instance. We disagree about kids (me = yes, her = no way), maybe a few other things. No objections to “being straight” to wind up with her, if that’s what I really want to do.

I’m 32 and afraid of winding up all alone, and very very tired of feeling unsure about which team I’m playing on. I want to pick one or the other and deal with it. The easier option is picking her. I’d be willing to try with him — IF I was sure he wanted to also. But I have no idea if he’d have any romantic interest in me at this point. Or ever. He’s been mentioning some other guy lately, I assumed he was just a friend but apparently there’s maybe a romantic vibe there.

So…. in some ways I’d be happier coming clean to him and seeing if he’s interested. (Wouldn’t be all a walk in the park, I know.) But, I’d only want to actually decide “I’m gay” if (and only if) it meant winding up with him; never been able to imagine being with any other guy but him. If it doesn’t – he’s not interested in me that way, he’s not interested in moving down here, whatever – then I guess the “experimentation” phase of my life is kinda over without me getting any say in it.


8 Responses to Painful realization

  1. Mr. G. says:

    I think that the realization that you need to decide what you are going to do (what team you want to play for) is very important.

    I can tell you that you will feel great once you know for sure what team you are on, so that you can focus all your energies in the right direction.

    I know that it may seem like a huge deal expressing what you feel to this guy but I think you owe it to yourself to know what he wants or expects from you. If there is no future there you are better off with your girlfriend, or simply finding someone who will fall in love with you.

    Good luck!

    • maybebi says:

      If it were all that simple to find someone to fall in love with me, I wouldn’t be having this dilemma. Not to sound all depressive and whiny (although that’s part of this blog too!), but I don’t seem to be the most lovable guy around, by either team 😉

  2. maybebi says:

    I think part of it is that we seem to be drifting away slowly. Not unexpected, but desperately unwanted. And maybe if I were to tell him ALL the ways I love him, it’d reverse that?

    Although it wouldn’t magically conjure up a job for him here, or for me there. Nor would it be easier for friends and family to deal with.

  3. Marie says:

    Hey, just stumbled on your blog here and saw this post. I find your situation pretty fascinating, as someone who’s been personally researching/studying friendship for a long while. The question that keeps popping up when I read about your friendship with this other man is: are you sure sexuality has to come into play at all? I mean–if you’re in love with him, “romantically” (I dislike using that word), meaning you want to live together and spend your lives together and be each other primary partner, that’s totally cool. But what does that have to do with your sexual orientation? Or even sex? I mean, if you want to have sex with him, that’s fine. But you don’t have to have a sexual relationship or attraction with someone to be in love or to commit each other. I know that’s lightyears out of contemporary America’s norm orbit, but it’s true. I say this based on my study of friendships as they existed pre-20th century and my own perception of sexuality/romance/love/etc as someone who’s been in the asexual community previously. Sex and romance don’t actually have to go together. Nor does sex and social commitment. So maybe it’s not a question of sitting your friend down and going: “I want to enter into a sexual relationship with you” or “My sexuality is this” but…. “I love you more than anyone in my life and I want to live together, regardless of sex or my sexuality.”

    I’m a young female who stopped using labels for my sexuality and simply say that I don’t date or do sex, unless my soulmate wants that. And I see my soulmate as a man. But in a perfect world, I could just as easily spend the rest of my life living with one of my old female friends in a nonsexual relationship. Am I a lesbian? Hell no. Am I straight for expecting a male soulmate? No. Because to me, sex is irrelevant. All I’m thinking of is the emotion. For whatever that’s worth.

    Just my 2 cents.

    • maybebi says:

      Marie – Thanks for reading and for the favorable feedback. Just to clarify – yes, there’s a sexual component as well, or at least a strong sensual one that doesn’t exclude sexual release. The importance of that has varied somewhat over time. Overall, this is why we’ve come to prefer looking at it as “brotherhood” – a lasting intimate relationship that isn’t based on romance or physical/sexual attraction, and doesn’t require cohabitation. Not quite what I said in this post? True – and that was 4 months ago. It’s a fluid sort of thing and trying to draw distinctions between “types of love” or whatever gets difficult.

      And yes, sex and romance have long been separated, or at least people have tried very hard to do so – although it’s much more common to seek sex without romance than romance without sex. Very clever of you to realize that from studying historical friendships instead of, say, observing pop culture since the 60s.

  4. coolgeek93 says:

    I’m almost in the same position as you, EXCEPT I’m the gay one. I’m not sure if I love my best friend “that way” yet but it’s hard because he’s “straight”(though I have a ton of doubts about that). He knows I’m gay and that I am somewhat attracted to him and he’s ok with it. I don’t even know if I wanna be in a relationship with him though.

  5. Popccor Kid says:

    You may be bi, or you may just love that particular guy. It doesn’t have to be as complicated as everyone makes it out to be. Bisexuality is ok and it doesn’t mean you have to start some strange new life over a new label. follow your heart and let time work out the rest

    • maybebi says:

      It’s not so much whether bisexuality is “okay” – more about whether it’s accurate, and how much it relates to how I want to live my life.

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