Looking Back

August 22, 2011

It’s been nearly two years since my last post here. Been busy with my new job. Been less in touch with my “brother” – it’s tough to maintain that kind of closeness across a 9 hour drive, and we’ve both been busy with work and travel. (We’re still bros – that never changes – but there’s not as much feeling of “I’m so in love with you that it’s really messing me up and I don’t want to say anything” when we’re not sharing our lives so closely.)

Also, I’ve finally met the right person for me. Yes, that turned out to be a woman. 🙂 She does not know about this site, nor about the activities, attitudes and feelings it describes. I’m not sure that she ever will; I’m not sure that we’d be able to get past that surprise – and, perhaps, feeling of betrayal or loss. (Turns out “I’ve never had sex with a woman” sounds like “I’ve never had sex” when you don’t expect the speaker to have been with a man, either.) This part of my life is basically now in the past… I’m not the same man I was at 25. (I do need to be careful to avoid comparisons in the bedroom. Turns out there are some things that guys really do better for each other than girls can.)

So this is probably a “last post” sort of message. Comments will still be active, and I’ll approve those as I get the time… with a few exceptions for specific posts. (Most guys who find this through a search engine look for how to seduce a straight guy, but – as I explain there – I’m not going to help with that.)

If someone else who’s dealt with, or is still dealing with, feelings and thoughts about other guys… want to come on as a “guest” author? I’m willing to share the stage, especially now that I’m turning off the spotlight. You can contact me privately through guystogether@gmail.com.

If you’re just finding this site because you’ve realized you’ve got feelings for someone you never expected to… you’re not alone, other guys have been in the same place. Feelings don’t mean a lot… it’s how you handle them that shows who you love, and what you’re like as a human being and as a man. Read the rest of the site for one guy’s thoughts on that, and good luck.


Three dimensions

December 13, 2009

I don’t pretend this is new and original, but I’ve found it helpful to be as precise and definite as possible in terms of thinking about how people interact (guy-guy and guy-girl). (Occupational hazard.)

There’s three ways to relate to another human being. (Ok, at least three, but three for now.)

There’s the social level. This is friendship – who do we like to spend time with? If it’s mostly/exclusively other guys, then we might consider that we prefer to socialize with the same sex. That is, homosociality. Preferring to socialize with women might be described as heterosocial. “Socialize” here I think is a little more than just “who do you like to hang out with”, but it’d include that too. I’d argue that most guys are homosocial by nature; it’s easier for us to understand each other than it is to understand women. Not a big deal either way.

(The stereotypical “feminine” gay man is the exception to this. Socializing is based partly on shared interests and mindset/attitude. Friends don’t all have to like exactly the same list of “approved manly” things, but when there’s nothing in common to talk about… it’s a little awkward. Possibly this explains what has been described as “Gay Fatigue”? Tomboys or (I guess) “butch” lesbians would also be exceptions.)

There’s the romantic level. Again, one can have romantic feelings mostly for people of the opposite sex, mostly for people of the same sex, or some of both.

There’s the sexual level. No big surprise that there’s that same spectrum here – sexual desire exclusively for the opposite sex, mostly for the opposite sex, half-and-half, mostly for the same sex, exclusively for the same sex.

So, three dimensions. They’re not automatically related – being strongly homosocial is perfectly compatible with being strongly heteroromantic and heterosexual, or also with being homoromantic and homosexual. “Romance” and “sex” aren’t always linked (“correlated”) either. “Homosexual but heteroromantic” (or hetero for sex but homo for romance) would be awkward, though!

I think the tension about being bi comes, in part, from combining “homosocial” and (partly) homo-sexual with hetero-romantic. I’ve slowly realized that I’m not entirely hetero-romantic, either, or at least there’s one shining exception. Although it really doesn’t feel like the same kind of “romance”, either. Or maybe it’s just that I know that he’s not ever going to want flowers and sparkly shiny jewelry?

Painful realization

September 14, 2009

So, after a while of being oblivious, I finally realized something this afternoon while doing laundry.

I love my best bud (who I’ve talked about on this site a time or twelve before). I’m also in love with him. I haven’t told him about that. I’m not eager to do it, but I’d “be gay” for him if it meant for sure winding up together.

I also want to love the girl I’m dating. I’m not sure that I do, yet. She’s very interested in me, but there’s a couple little things in the way – the condo she can’t sell to move down here, for instance. We disagree about kids (me = yes, her = no way), maybe a few other things. No objections to “being straight” to wind up with her, if that’s what I really want to do.

I’m 32 and afraid of winding up all alone, and very very tired of feeling unsure about which team I’m playing on. I want to pick one or the other and deal with it. The easier option is picking her. I’d be willing to try with him — IF I was sure he wanted to also. But I have no idea if he’d have any romantic interest in me at this point. Or ever. He’s been mentioning some other guy lately, I assumed he was just a friend but apparently there’s maybe a romantic vibe there.

So…. in some ways I’d be happier coming clean to him and seeing if he’s interested. (Wouldn’t be all a walk in the park, I know.) But, I’d only want to actually decide “I’m gay” if (and only if) it meant winding up with him; never been able to imagine being with any other guy but him. If it doesn’t – he’s not interested in me that way, he’s not interested in moving down here, whatever – then I guess the “experimentation” phase of my life is kinda over without me getting any say in it.

Weird coincidence?

September 12, 2009

I was looking through the “casual encounters” section on craigslist – don’t ask why – and ran across an interesting picture:

from the ad

from the ad

Well, hes’ not a bad looking guy, not really my type but I’m not even sure I’ve got a “type” for guys.  What I’m trying to figure out is whether that’s the same guy as this:

definitely him

definitely him

(best pic I can find right now)

Because, if so, then that same ad showed WAY more of his body than I’d ever seen before.  And I’m fairly impressed.  😛

(And a little surprised that he’s posting an ad looking for a guy, although he’s hinted that he’s “curious” before, including to me and my “brother”, although he doesn’t know about us being “close” like that.)

An ultimate crush?

August 23, 2009

This was submitted as a comment but I thought it might be better as a “guest post”… sounds like this guy really needs some advice, let’s try to help him out! — GT

“Ok so I keep beating myself up on conflicting situations… I went to college as a confused teenager unsure of my sexuality… I was interested in girls but way more fascinated in boys on the count of i think i understand them better… I was almost certain i was a masculine bi male when all of a sudden at college preview, i saw this guy walk in. My heart shattered at how much i desired him yet i knew i would only see him briefly in such a huge college. well. i was wrong. during the preview, we got roomed together and i got to know him better to find out how similar we were. we loved sports and cars and both were aspiring to medical school eventually. At this point, i fell in love with this guy with an ultimate crush. I was happy with the crush since we never exchanged numbers so i would have lusted and never seen him again. I left for home sad and got prepared for college in the fall. I knew this was a fresh start for my life as a curious male.

“I came to my class on the first day and guess who sits next to me on the first day. My ultimate crush. We had all the same classes on accident. We exchanged numbers and did guy things together such as working out (i loved to touch his muscles), chilling, drinking, pool, whatever came up. I grew intensely in love with this kid and would do anything for him but i was never good at reading signs. he is older than me, 20 and is still a virgin which makes me wonder if he is straight since he had a GF and never tried anything at 20? he sounds like he could be curious to me. We both denouce gay things and acts but in my opinion, i believe the people who deny the most are more gay than anyone. I have never tried anything on him or have never shared any details with my sexual life with him since i am scared to freak him out.

“I am curious if i have a chance to experiment with this guy? he is even asking to get an apartment with me. He has no idea or hint that i am bi so this thoughts may change but otherwise i am deeply in love with this kid and was wondering on what you think. Lately he has keeps avoiding me. i haven’t come off strong. Anyone think he has a crush on me and is trying to kill it by avoiding me? we are starting classes in the fall shortly and we picked all the same classes to be with eachother as “bros” but i am looking for more. How can i make this lust go away? How am i sure what he feels? It is really tearing me apart cause i dont know my next move. we are close but are we that close? I can not sleep at night always thinking about him. I think i will give up and love him as a close friend and nothing more. my life sucks at this point so any advice and encouragement is greatly appreciated : )…”

I did it again.

July 18, 2009

Long distance relationship, that is. Time to rewind, not sure I’ve given all the info here.

A few months back, I finally decided that the (female) friend I’d had the crush on for so long was never going to be anything more, and that I really ought to get past her. That was partly due to her deciding to take a job literally on the other side of the world, so it’ll be 2-3 years before I’d see her again anyway. And partly I got tired of the idea of long-distance relationships. I’d been looking around here, stepped that up some.

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New story

July 17, 2009

Hello all!

I have a feeling this will be a long post, and I’m hoping that it won’t be in vain since the last post on this topic is almost a month old now.
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