Yep, this sucks

I knew when I moved away that it’d be tough to get together very often… plane tickets for a weekend are a bit of a luxury and it’s a 9 hour drive each way.  But there was fall break – oh yeah, our two schools don’t take fall break the same week.  I did get up there in September for a nothing-but-fun trip (as opposed to August, which involved some work to get the rest of my stuff moved).  But a weekend once a month isn’t exactly long enough when you’re used to spending 50 hours a week together.  And October’s visit collapsed under two busy schedules, and now he’s dealing with some serious family crisis stuff.  Sigh.

Just wish I could be there to help – someone to vent to, someone to relax with.  Email and IM work but it’s not quite as spontaneous and open as saying it in person. So it really sucks that this particular crisis isn’t one I can help with at all at all at all. 

BTW, if anyone’s got tips on a reasonably successful way to reverse some of the symptoms of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), please let me know so I can pass it on?  He could really use some ideas about now.

Bored now.

So… about 5 weeks into the semester.  That means 9 weeks that I’ve been here.  One sixth of a year.

9 weeks since I could just walk up the street, unlock his door, drop my clothes and slide into bed with my brother.

Not that I did it “surprise” like that very often.. mostly when I knew I was gonna mope all night if I was by myself.

There’s less moping now.  I don’t have a lot of time for it, and some things have gotten a little less confusing with distance.  Or maybe the confusion and ambiguity seems to matter less.

Made it back up to see him in September, for a quick two days.  Well, mostly to see him, partly to see the town again… one big enough to have stuff to do.  One with people in it that I know and want to do stuff with.

That’s the other thing about moving to a new town, for me… I absolutely hate meeting people.  I’m no good at it – even knowing what to do gives me very little power to do it.  Too much history as a kid of trying to reach out just to get ignored.  (At best.)

So, while I’m quite sure that there’s some fun stuff to do around here, and that once I explore it some more I’ll probably like it… Well, anything that people typically do with other people (if they can), I hate doing solo.  Here to see a movie?  All by yourself?  Yes, thanks for reminding me that I didn’t know anyone to ask.  I might’ve forgotten the fact.

On the bright side, I’m saving lots of money by not going out.  (So’s my brother – we were both spending way too much on that the past couple months.  Or year.)  That’s money saved up to go over to NC to see Her, or to fly up to see Him.

(Fall break is next week but I’d already managed to promise my aunt I’d go up and help her with some stuff.  And my brother’s fall break is the week after, but he’s actually not going to be able to take much time off, if any.  Which sucks, frankly, because we’d been hoping to get over to the Smokies.  Trying not to mail anthrax to his boss. )

As far as the job… Well, the title of this post is actually wrong, I simply don’t have time to be bored, at least during the daytime.  That’s a good thing, right?

Sigh.

Man Friendships

There are several reasons why men were so damn affectionate with each other back in the day. First, men were free to have affectionate man relationships with each other without fear of being called a “queer” because the concept of homosexuality as we know it today didn’t exist then. America didn’t have the strict straight/gay dichotomy that currently exists. Affectionate feelings weren’t strictly labeled as sexual or platonic. There wasn’t even a name for homosexual sex; instead, it was referred to as “the crime that cannot be spoken.” It wasn’t until the turn of the 19th century that psychologists started analyzing homosexuality. When that happened, men in America started to become much more self-conscious about their relationships with their buds and traded the close embraces for a stiff pat on the back. The man hug was born.

From a great new post at The Art of Manliness on Man Friendships. Complete with old-timey photos of guys holding hands!

You know what he’s doing?

anginae writes:

“But imagine this: your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other is sitting on the same sofa as you. You are madly in love. But you know what he/she is doing? Looking for a date. Talking to singles who are also looking for dates.”

That suddenly strikes me as a good description of what I must’ve been putting my “brother” through all these years. Fascinating “turned around” way to see it, too.

It’s not that I don’t love him… but rather that I don’t know if I love him that way. Still. That also means I don’t know that I don’t love him that way. Still.

Yes, I’m still looking for dates (with women) (mostly via OkCupid) (however well that works out). I really hope he does too, actually… I think some of the confusion I’ve felt, as I’ve noted before, is from a lack of experience, and he’s got even less of that than me (afaik). Maybe the whole “I think we should see other people” isn’t just a line chosen at random.

Do I hope he finds someone else? I can’t tell. I want him to be truly happy and loved in every way he wants it… if some other guy can do that, without all the hesitation and doubt and confusion… well, he better treat my brother right, that’s all I’m saying….!

“Dudes getting facials”

One of my favorite country artists – there’s not a long list – is Brad Paisley.  I was listening to the radio when his latest song “I’m Still a Guy” came along.

Apparently it’s safer than I would’ve expected to search for the phrase “dudes getting facials”… at least now… Thanks Brad!

Taking some time off

Got about 8 days left in town now – that’s 8 days to pack, 8 days to finish up a few things for work, and 8 days to spend with my bro.  Crashing at his place for the last few, once my bed’s on the moving truck… He said I couldn’t sleep on the couch.  Bummer.

So I’m taking some time off from Guys Together, to enjoy the moment without looking for things to over-analyze and mope over.  I’ll be back at some point.

The most important thing

Someone recently challenged me for seeing the world (only) through a “heterosexual ideal”, and failing as a result to appreciate how fundamentally different gay guys are.  At least, I think that was his point – perhaps not. But this is my blog and my post, and therefore I’ll assume that someone has made that point to me. A question for everyone – particularly interested in responses from the bi & gay guys, but all perspectives are welcome:

What is the most important thing about you? Many years from now, when you are gone from your current life, what is it that you want people to know and remember about you?

Make yourself different

“You deny who you are by hoping to make yourself different.”

That was a comment from another of these “gay pigeonholers”, posted over at My Hetero Gay Life^*.

What an absolutely bizarre notion! Of course I hope to make myself different; I do not consider who I am now to be so close to perfect as to lack room for improvement. Or looking back – am I the same person that I am now (at 31) as I was at 15? No – thank God! Do I hope to be the same way in another 31 years? Absolutely not.

But I doubt that that’s exactly what the commenter (“ewe”) meant. (S/he’s welcome to explain here if s/he really likes.) I suspect that the meaning rather was “by hoping to be not-gay, you deny that you are gay”. Except that that makes no sense either.

Perhaps, “you deny that what you are is good, if you hope to be otherwise”. (The statements “what you are is good” and “what you are is perfect” are not of course identical.) Well, that part may be true enough; I suppose that, if Jay (of M.H.G.L.) confidently agreed with the idea that he should leave his wife and kids and “straight life” behind, he wouldn’t be blogging about his struggle to resist that.

On the other hand, why on earth should anyone be content with the way he is now? (As far as “degree of perfection” goes, anyway, and distinct from being “content in every circumstance”.) Would you tell a fat man “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to make yourself thin”? or an alcoholic, “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to keep yourself sober”? or a single man (of any orientation) “you deny yourself, if you ever hope to find a partner”?

(“But those are all BAD things that you compare it to! That’s homophobic!” Fine – but the whole point of the comparison is to other circumstances in which someone wants to change. Does a fit man wish to be fat? Does a happy sober man want to wash his life down the drain with a bottle of Scotch? Not everyone who has same-sex desires is happy with them, and people (like ewe) who suggest otherwise can be astoundingly offensive about that fact. “It’s good enough for me! you should like it too!” Yes, and heterosexual desires are “good enough” for most people…)

“You deny who you are”… No, he’s just accepting that there are bonds and vows more important than lust, and that life can be far more complicated than some would try to pretend. Or, to put it another way – he’s being more than gay, choosing to be his own man rather than stamping himself into a mold.

Another gem from ewe: “it is gay people that tolerate straight people, not the other way around which is what we are led to believe is needed.” Right, ’cause you sure don’t tolerate gay people who aren’t gay in the way you think they should be.

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^*(Great blog, that, by the way… I can very easily see myself in a similar situation, so it resonates quite strongly with me. And I absolutely admire his honesty about the conflicts he feels, and his determination to “man up”, denying his own desires for the sake of his wife and family. That takes far more balls than jumping out of the closet into a world of show tunes and gay pride parades ever would.)

So, I told him

We took a nice long road trip this weekend, to scout around for apartments now that I’ve found a job.

(Oh yeah – I found a job.  It’s about 9 hours away from where we live now, so trips to hang out are gonna be kind of a pain.  Not THAT expensive, I guess, but definitely only “every couple months” instead of “every other weekend”.  Boo!)

Told him about maybe/probably being bi.  He took it well – joked that “now he could go to ‘Gay Heaven’ for converting a straight boy”.  He admitted that he kinda has (has had?) a crush on me, and I admitted as much about him.  I don’t know if this changes anything – I’m still no more than bi, and I don’t know if I’ll ever love a guy (even him!) in the same way that I feel love for a woman.

(Random thought to mope over – what if that’s because I’ve never really loved a woman?  what if “the real thing” is how I feel for him now, not how I felt for my college gf?)

(It’s a plausible explanation, but I’m not convinced.  Or maybe I just don’t want to be?)

Whether it changes anything or not… it still felt really good to get that out in the open.

And we did find me an apartment, and he sounds rather jealous of it – it’s a pretty nice one, for less than what I’m paying up here for a crappy run down attic room in a run down house near campus.  It’s also roughly twice the size of his – that’s comparing apartments, you perv.  And I get all the sweet tea & Southern food I want.   So I’m trying to talk him into moving down too…. we’d need to find him a job, ofc, which may be difficult – the place where I’ll be working simply has no demand at all for what he does.  (Or at least, they don’t realize it yet.)

Even if (1) we love each other “That Way”, and even if (2) he does move down there too, I’m still not sure I want to automatically move in together without actually talking about why we’re doing that.

Bonus tip for you gay dudes crushing on straight buddies – Road trips often make it possible to wind up in the same bed.  Especially if you pick the hotel and the room.  “Sorry, all they had left was one-bed rooms.”

At the 8 Year Old Level…

… instead of the adult level …

Take a moment, if you will, to read about this game from Japan. I’d seen it before but forgot and lost the link until the other day. (Thanks, Woot!)

The play mechanics are simple. Prepare yourself by strapping on the included belt harness and jacking in your Wiimote. A series of toilets are presented on screen and the challenge is to tilt your body to control a never-ending stream of pee. Get as much pee in the toilets as you can while spilling as little on the floor as possible. Sounds easy eh? Well the toilets open and close whack-a-mole style and occasionally the stray cat or other cute critter pops up. Spray a cat for extra points. Get too much pee on the ground and your game is over. ….. And wait until your friends see the multi-player mode with dueling pee streams…

Now, the picture shows a pair of (assumed) Japanese schoolgirls giggling over it, but are there really that many women who want to know what it’s like for the other half? (also known as “the real reason the bathroom floor is damp when you wake up second”) In other words, it seems more like a guys’ game, but it’s pretty easy enough for us to play… except for the whole bit about not necessarily wanting to show off our “wiimotes”.

I’m just barely childish enough that that actually sounds kinda fun. Although only for the multiplayer – I can’t imagine solo play on that one. Or rather the solo play is pretty easy after (1) a quick call to the humane society and (2) a trip to buy a mop.

One weakness – The directions don’t give any guidance on how much beer should be consumed before and during game play. Too much and you might as well just go play it for real.

Also, more games should feature “realistic pee fluid dynamics”. Whether it suits the game or not.