Woot! *flexes his confusion muscles*

He’s not had any other relationships ever - certainly not while I’ve known him. He’s officially “out”, but doesn’t particularly want it known at work or around town, which might be part of that. I’ve kind of been hoping that he’ll find someone too - if he IS hoping that I’ll stay forever, etc., then it’s a bit rude of me to be so obviously hoping for someone of a completely different gender… On the other hand, he’s known from the start that I like girls.

If I could have the kids and the house and the yard and the dog and him instead of (a) her? Wow. I don’t think it would work, really. I need someone more… different? More feminine? Not quite sure of the word I’m looking for. (Maybe “breasts”, cough cough. ;)) Plus I don’t think either of our families would be thrilled - his parents know he’s gay but they’ve never really been a big fan of the idea, mine would be rather surprised to find me sharing a bed with a gay guy for the rest of my life…

We talked the other week about the fact that he could maybe move to wherever I get a job. He liked the idea, particularly if we get an apartment together and “do we really need two bedrooms?” That’s kind of turning me off - not the sharing a bed, but the idea of kind of just quietly slipping into something that might as well be “boyfriends”, or “marriage”, but without ever deciding that’s what we both want. I was kind of trying to poke him on that, to get him to say whether or not he was still hoping for “forever” or not… It’s okay, maybe nhe needs some time to figure it out himself.

She knows that we’re good friends and that we hang out a lot together. She does not know that he’s gay, nor what he means to me. I really hope she’s never read this… and that he hasn’t either!

Just to complicate things still further - I went down to see her at the start of March. Nearly two months since then and we haven’t talked on the phone once. 2-3 messages a week from me, 1 (total) from her saying she’d been sick but was better now. It’s starting to look like I might be staying in town a bit longer - possibly another year; she is NOT happy about that. I don’t know if ignoring my calls is related to that or not; whether it is or not, she’s not providing a lot of incentive to move to {where she lives}.

I was kinda hoping someone with more experience would step up, but so you’re not hanging too long:

I guess if you’re looking for a one-time encounter with another guy, you could probably find someplace to hang out with gay/bi guys. Gay bar, maybe? I expect you’ll be to someone’s taste, so to speak - for being straight if nothing else… that does seem to be a turnon for some of them. Or, you don’t necessarily have to tell them about that.

Maybe a personals ad?

If you’ve got any friends who are gay or bi, you might consider asking him about it. He could probably at least help you figure out where to go to find other guys to try stuff with (so that there’s no chance that your friendship’s going to get weird after hopping in bed together).

“Equalize things for GLBT people” is one thing. “Pretend that it’s worse to kill one of us than one of them” is another. “Hate crimes” legislation is set up so that crime can be punished - or at least investigated - more vigorously for some people than it is for others.

Imagine three different playground bullies. One of them beats up a classmate because he likes to read during recess. The second one beats up a classmate to steal his lunch money. The third beats up a classmate because someone said the other boy was gay. The three victims had an equal number of bruises.

One bully may be investigated by the FBI - but only one.

Is that really “equalizing things”?

Sure it’s fine to hug or bump chests or whatever when your team’s won the Super Bowl. It’s even fine to pat your teammate on the butt when you’re on the team that won the Bowl. Nobody seriously confuses that for “I want your body”. The point is that, outside of such times, there’s definite limits on what most (straight) guys are comfortable with from other (straight) guys. Those limits have little to do with what you personally think is okay, unfortunately…

Try going around doing it in real life: Every guy you know - hanging out with friends, at work, wherever - you see tomorrow, touch him in an affectionate way. (Make sure it’s obviously intended as affectionate, if you can - so not just a handshake.) How many guys responded affectionately? How many seemed confused or slightly creeped out?

(Reluctant? Just think of what an *awesome* rant you’ll be able to write about how narrowminded American homophobia is driving women sports stars to Central Europe, the closet, or the stake.)

“Guys just don’t touch guys.” These words are coming from of the mind of an overly religious fanatic who needs to loosen up.