So, after a while of being oblivious, I finally realized something this afternoon while doing laundry.
I love my best bud (who I’ve talked about on this site a time or twelve before). I’m also in love with him. I haven’t told him about that. I’m not eager to do it, but I’d “be gay” for him if it meant for sure winding up together.
I also want to love the girl I’m dating. I’m not sure that I do, yet. She’s very interested in me, but there’s a couple little things in the way – the condo she can’t sell to move down here, for instance. We disagree about kids (me = yes, her = no way), maybe a few other things. No objections to “being straight” to wind up with her, if that’s what I really want to do.
I’m 32 and afraid of winding up all alone, and very very tired of feeling unsure about which team I’m playing on. I want to pick one or the other and deal with it. The easier option is picking her. I’d be willing to try with him — IF I was sure he wanted to also. But I have no idea if he’d have any romantic interest in me at this point. Or ever. He’s been mentioning some other guy lately, I assumed he was just a friend but apparently there’s maybe a romantic vibe there.
So…. in some ways I’d be happier coming clean to him and seeing if he’s interested. (Wouldn’t be all a walk in the park, I know.) But, I’d only want to actually decide “I’m gay” if (and only if) it meant winding up with him; never been able to imagine being with any other guy but him. If it doesn’t – he’s not interested in me that way, he’s not interested in moving down here, whatever – then I guess the “experimentation” phase of my life is kinda over without me getting any say in it.
September 15, 2009 at 2:11 pm |
I think that the realization that you need to decide what you are going to do (what team you want to play for) is very important.
I can tell you that you will feel great once you know for sure what team you are on, so that you can focus all your energies in the right direction.
I know that it may seem like a huge deal expressing what you feel to this guy but I think you owe it to yourself to know what he wants or expects from you. If there is no future there you are better off with your girlfriend, or simply finding someone who will fall in love with you.
Good luck!
September 16, 2009 at 7:13 pm |
If it were all that simple to find someone to fall in love with me, I wouldn’t be having this dilemma. Not to sound all depressive and whiny (although that’s part of this blog too!), but I don’t seem to be the most lovable guy around, by either team
September 16, 2009 at 7:11 pm |
I think part of it is that we seem to be drifting away slowly. Not unexpected, but desperately unwanted. And maybe if I were to tell him ALL the ways I love him, it’d reverse that?
Although it wouldn’t magically conjure up a job for him here, or for me there. Nor would it be easier for friends and family to deal with.