anginae writes:
“But imagine this: your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other is sitting on the same sofa as you. You are madly in love. But you know what he/she is doing? Looking for a date. Talking to singles who are also looking for dates.”
That suddenly strikes me as a good description of what I must’ve been putting my “brother” through all these years. Fascinating “turned around” way to see it, too.
It’s not that I don’t love him… but rather that I don’t know if I love him that way. Still. That also means I don’t know that I don’t love him that way. Still.
Yes, I’m still looking for dates (with women) (mostly via OkCupid) (however well that works out). I really hope he does too, actually… I think some of the confusion I’ve felt, as I’ve noted before, is from a lack of experience, and he’s got even less of that than me (afaik). Maybe the whole “I think we should see other people” isn’t just a line chosen at random.
Do I hope he finds someone else? I can’t tell. I want him to be truly happy and loved in every way he wants it… if some other guy can do that, without all the hesitation and doubt and confusion… well, he better treat my brother right, that’s all I’m saying….! 
August 20, 2008 at 3:32 am |
“love him that way”.
In how many ways can we love people?
Which even brings me to a question I always ask myself but never get to ask other people for fear of how they might receive it: can’t we love more than one person?
Christians would say that “sexual love” is supposed to be to one person. Some religions and cultures do allow more than one sexual partner but I am not sure how much they relate sex (and marriage) with love.
I am not asking about types of love (stuff like love of ones own child etc).
Given that often times it is difficult to get all we need from one person, how about loving many people at the same time while married to only one of them?
August 20, 2008 at 6:55 am |
I recognize that marriages/relationships with more than 2 partners may be a great solution for some people, or that open marriages are. Without trying to sound like I’m condemning anything, that’s not a realistic option for me. (For one thing, it adds “comfortable with an open marriage” to the shopping list for a wife… which is not easily combined with most of the other views I’d hope we’d share about marriage.)
In any case, what I have valued most sharing with him is not at all sexual/romantic, so there’s no problem being friends/brothers with him and married to a woman.
Christianity classically identifies three “types” of love – sexual/romantic love, brotherly/family/friendship love, and the divine love (that love which God has for us, and which, through His Holy Spirit, we can show to other humans as well). The first is that feeling of being really deeply “in love” with someone.
I identify the love I have for my brother as the second type, because it feels generally similar to the love I have for the family I was born into, and a more intense form of friendship I’ve had with other people in the past. There does seem to be some part of it that goes beyond that – into romantic love? or is it just because I like hanging out with my “brother” more than my (biological) sister (though I do love her). Perhaps if I were more familiar with romantic love this would be an easier thing to handle.
August 20, 2008 at 9:35 am |
Good response.
I like the comment “…what i have valued most sharing with him is not at all sexual/romantic”.
I have friends from whom I have got sexual satisfaction as well as what I can lump as “other things”. I generally tend to value the sexual bit more than “the other things”. Whether this is a feature of my personality or my sexuality; I don’t know. The continuity of our relationships also largely depends on whether they can put up with my sexuality. This is not something that we openly discuss, but I think it usually works out, you could say, behind the scenes. I also tend to think that those friends of mine that are more straight (or is it more homophobic am not sure) seem to want to emphasize the non-sexual aspects of our relationship.
Is it possible that it is a “straight thing” to down play the importance of sex.
It may be difficult for you to tell how much importance “your brother” attaches to sex since he still seems to love you despite the absence of sex in your shared experiences. Personally, I usually end relationships, if sex seems to be taking too long to materialize (that is if the hope for sex is the driving force behind the relationship). Is it possible that “your brother” is hoping for sex?
August 20, 2008 at 9:36 am |
I forgot to add that valuing the sex more than other things largely depends on whether the sex was great or not.
August 20, 2008 at 12:35 pm |
Well… if a guy is straight, then he’s not going to consider having sex to be an important part of friendship with another guy. Pretty much by definition. So yes, the relative importance of sex (in a same-sex friendship “with benefits”) is probably a pretty good indicator of a guy’s straightness.
Alternately, sex might wind up being very important, even to a straight guy, simply because it’s the exception rather than the rule. If a guy is pretty much 100% hetero, but there’s one friend who he’s willing to do stuff with, then that’s not just an average friendship for him. In the same way, a gay guy might have very little interest in most women, but love one particular woman enough to have a very good time in bed with her – and so there again the sex is actually quite important.
As far as whether my bro’s hoping sex will show up in this relationship or not… well, I’m not sure just how much more sex he’d be hoping for. The details aren’t anybody’s business – but don’t jump to conclusions.