We took a nice long road trip this weekend, to scout around for apartments now that I’ve found a job.
(Oh yeah – I found a job. It’s about 9 hours away from where we live now, so trips to hang out are gonna be kind of a pain. Not THAT expensive, I guess, but definitely only “every couple months” instead of “every other weekend”. Boo!)
Told him about maybe/probably being bi. He took it well – joked that “now he could go to ‘Gay Heaven’ for converting a straight boy”. He admitted that he kinda has (has had?) a crush on me, and I admitted as much about him. I don’t know if this changes anything – I’m still no more than bi, and I don’t know if I’ll ever love a guy (even him!) in the same way that I feel love for a woman.
(Random thought to mope over – what if that’s because I’ve never really loved a woman? what if “the real thing” is how I feel for him now, not how I felt for my college gf?)
(It’s a plausible explanation, but I’m not convinced. Or maybe I just don’t want to be?)
Whether it changes anything or not… it still felt really good to get that out in the open.
And we did find me an apartment, and he sounds rather jealous of it – it’s a pretty nice one, for less than what I’m paying up here for a crappy run down attic room in a run down house near campus. It’s also roughly twice the size of his – that’s comparing apartments, you perv. And I get all the sweet tea & Southern food I want. So I’m trying to talk him into moving down too…. we’d need to find him a job, ofc, which may be difficult – the place where I’ll be working simply has no demand at all for what he does. (Or at least, they don’t realize it yet.)
Even if (1) we love each other “That Way”, and even if (2) he does move down there too, I’m still not sure I want to automatically move in together without actually talking about why we’re doing that.
Bonus tip for you gay dudes crushing on straight buddies – Road trips often make it possible to wind up in the same bed. Especially if you pick the hotel and the room. “Sorry, all they had left was one-bed rooms.”
July 2, 2008 at 6:45 pm |
God I am so glad I found your blog. Life is complicated. More and more I think that our sexuality is not set in stone. It certainly hasn’t been for me. Regardless of how we identify ourselves, we can fall in love with anyone. Maybe it the pressure of our society that leads us to love our opposite gender and not to allows our feelings to naturally progress in some of our same-sex relationships. I think what you have is worth more than gold. Honestly, I’ve never understood how people can call themselves bi. That’s not meant to be offensive in any way. You are just “gender blind.”
July 3, 2008 at 5:25 am |
For “Maybebi”
I would have expected him to be the first one to tell you not the other way round. But that’s life, so it could happen differently. However, you seem to say that they way you “feel love for a woman” is different from the way you feel love for him. What is the difference? I am also not sure whether “sex with him” is a big component of your “love for him”.
For Anginae
Challenging the categorisation of sexuality is to me cutting-edge and therefore exciting. However, as much as I have loved some women before, I seem to love men more. And it is not all about sex (because I find sex with women quite enjoyable especially “in the heat of the moment”) but I usually feel more emotionally attached to my boyfriends than to my girlfriends. How do you explain this?
Is there love with no sex (strings) attached?
July 3, 2008 at 7:26 am |
Jona – good to see you again.
I think he’s felt like already has, and that he’s not going to try to put pressure on me to call it anything “new” (i.e., “boyfriends”) until, or unless, I decide I’m gay after all. He seems to have decided I’m “the one special guy” for him, ever, and that he’s content to call it anything I’m comfortable with.
Which is not all that helpful of him, frankly. That’s the real difficulty of being bi, I would think – always wondering if you can really be happy “settling down” with a person who’s only got one gender. Sometimes I wish, for his sake, that he could find another guy to date and fall in love with – someone who can definitely love him romantically without a lot of confusion over whether he really feels it or not.
July 28, 2008 at 7:41 pm |
Ahh..the road trip hotel, a clever maneuver i have employed myself
. best park is teh waking up bit.