OK, that wasn’t fair.
Was re-reading that last post, about what was said last night, and what wasn’t said. And I really have to say that I wasn’t being fair about it.
He’s been my best friend for 5 years, brothers in everything except DNA, and we already had that conversation a couple years ago, with a rather different opinion from me: Yes, I really like hanging out with you, just wanted to say that as much as we hang out I really can’t imagine having a boyfriend even though I have no idea if you were hoping for that or not.
And now I pull it out again (the topic! quit being dirty), a couple months before I might leave town forever? And this time ask if he wants to give boyfriends a shot?
Yeah, it really wasn’t fair. I’ll blame the beer, or being sleepy, which is easier to talk about than desperate terror of finding myself all alone again, this time perhaps without even having a job.
Really not handling that well, but there’s no reason to be weird at him about it.
April 29, 2008 at 3:10 am
You confuse me. I thought I was confused, but no, you are more confusing. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for him as well. Question: Has he had any boyfriends or any relationships since you’ve known him, if not, he might be hoping that you’ll stay forever and that he can be the wife to your three kids. I know that’s very direct and assumes alot of things, but imagine how miserable the other person would be if that’s the case. Now putting all the sexuality and stuff aside, if you could have the kids and the house, and the yard and dog, would you rather have him there or her? I know it’s not that simple. Does she know about him? Has she read this blog?
April 29, 2008 at 7:25 am
Hi! thanks for reading.
Woot! *flexes his confusion muscles*
He’s not had any other relationships ever - certainly not while I’ve known him. He’s officially “out”, but doesn’t particularly want it known at work or around town, which might be part of that. I’ve kind of been hoping that he’ll find someone too - if he IS hoping that I’ll stay forever, etc., then it’s a bit rude of me to be so obviously hoping for someone of a completely different gender… On the other hand, he’s known from the start that I like girls.
If I could have the kids and the house and the yard and the dog and him instead of (a) her? Wow. I don’t think it would work, really. I need someone more… different? More feminine? Not quite sure of the word I’m looking for. (Maybe “breasts”, cough cough. ;)) Plus I don’t think either of our families would be thrilled - his parents know he’s gay but they’ve never really been a big fan of the idea, mine would be rather surprised to find me sharing a bed with a gay guy for the rest of my life…
We talked the other week about the fact that he could maybe move to wherever I get a job. He liked the idea, particularly if we get an apartment together and “do we really need two bedrooms?” That’s kind of turning me off - not the sharing a bed, but the idea of kind of just quietly slipping into something that might as well be “boyfriends”, or “marriage”, but without ever deciding that’s what we both want. I was kind of trying to poke him on that, to get him to say whether or not he was still hoping for “forever” or not… It’s okay, maybe nhe needs some time to figure it out himself.
She knows that we’re good friends and that we hang out a lot together. She does not know that he’s gay, nor what he means to me. I really hope she’s never read this… and that he hasn’t either!
Just to complicate things still further - I went down to see her at the start of March. Nearly two months since then and we haven’t talked on the phone once. 2-3 messages a week from me, 1 (total) from her saying she’d been sick but was better now. It’s starting to look like I might be staying in town a bit longer - possibly another year; she is NOT happy about that. I don’t know if ignoring my calls is related to that or not; whether it is or not, she’s not providing a lot of incentive to move to {where she lives}.