Leaving… him?

Was “reminded” the other day by my boss that my job ends this summer. (It was a two-year contract position. Not likely to get renewed, and I don’t think I’d take it if he offered. Not been the best “fit”, that job.)

I basically took the job because it was in the same town as I’d been living in for grad school. And thus, the same town as my bro. It’s a nice college/high-tech town, and I mostly haven’t minded living here so long - 9 years now, when I’d only expected 5, tops! But quite honestly, the real reason I took the job was to stay here with him.

Not that I usually allow myself to think about that…

I mean, I tried for a solid year to get a job in the same town - same state - heck, same side of the country! - as the Woman I Want. Postdoc, regular job, internship; I even looked into being a schoolteacher just to get there. “Why don’t I just move there and I’m sure I can find something, it’ll be easier to look in person anyway?” “But what if you don’t? and then what if it doesn’t work out between us and you’re ’stuck’?” (WIth as many romantic comedies as she watches, you think she’d be more romantic in real life. No; I’m the romantic and she’s the practical one.)

So that’s been another two years away from her. Four visits was less than I’d been hoping for, but hey, she was out of the country for a good chunk of that.

And, while I couldn’t go be with her, it’s been great to stay here with my bro. He lives just up the street from me; we spend more evenings hanging out than not. We do laundry together. (I even fold his briefs.) I think some of his friends have assumed that we’re boyfriends, although nobody’s actually asked.

He’s been my closest friend (ever!) for five and a half years. What started out as getting together to watch Doctor Who has turned into a lot lot more. We’ve done far more together than I’d ever imagined - yes, even that kind of stuff, you in the back with your mind in the gutter.

We know how to stay in touch, of course. That’s one nice thing about modern technology - moving to a different state isn’t the same anymore as dropping off the map entirely. But we both know how often visits are gonna happen, and how much work it’s gonna be to set up the annual summer camping trip and stuff. Still brothers, just not nearly as close.

That’s definitely the one thing I’m going to regret about this job ending. Well, that and actually having a job; professionally I’m going frantic because I have no idea what’s best to do next.

I’d say “come with me” except that he seems reasonably happy here, and frankly (not to be too ironic about this) that seems “kinda gay”. That is, *if* we were “boyfriends” or whatever then yes, I’d say it, and yes, I’d hope that he would. But well-adjusted male friends, even brothers, should be able to accept such vicissitudes maturely and blah blah blah and I really never ever claimed to be mature in everything, let alone “well-adjusted”.

But what if he did come with me? We’ve been watching the Catherine Tate show (thank you torrents!) as a TV fill-in. One of her characters is “Derek”, who’s about as stereotypically gay as is humanly possible, but denies it to everyone who “assumes” - “Me, dear? gay, dear? no, dear!” - despite palling around with his “close male friend” in nearly every sketch.

I do not want to be “Derek”.

I want to hold the WIW down in the same town together for long enough to court and marry her. I want to find a decent job even if it’s not quite what I’d planned on. I want the kids and a dog and a yard.

I also want my brother around, and the freedom to wind up cuddling (asexually) on the couch. (A threesome could be imagined, while I’m dreaming.)

I also think that’d be horribly unfair to him; he deserves someone who can love him “that way” without feeling conflicted or strange about it. Not someone who can’t figure out whether to say “you could come too” or not.

Gah.