This was going to be longer, but I set it aside as a draft a month ago and now I can’t remember what else I had in mind, if anything. Anyone have any comments/tips/thoughts on this? – someone who’s done it successfully, or had it done to him? Ladies, what circumstances would make you willing to “try stuff” with another woman?
This is another of those topics that seems to draw people here, although it’s not something that I can remember talking about much before. But hey, if people are interested I guess I can write about it.
First off, I’ve never done this. I don’t think I ever would. Honestly, it’s the whole “gay guys are out to seduce us!” idea that makes us straight guys cover up in the showers and stuff. To say nothing of the jokes about dropping the soap. It’s not so much that we can’t handle the fact that some guys like other guys, it’s that we’re not comfortable being the guys other guys like. So the whole “seduce the straight guy” bit seems counterproductive – at least for gay/bi guys who’d like an end to what they see as homophobia.
Also, I’ve never really had it done to me. My brother is the only gay guy I hang out with regularly (as far as I know, anyway), and he doesn’t have any bit of the “straight guy fetish” that some guys seem to have. So this is really just a list of some things *one* (mostly) straight guy thinks might be important.
Anyway. If you’re serious about doing it anyway, a couple things you might want to keep in mind:
1. He’s not gonna be interested if he’s not “interested”. (Read “horny”.)
2. He’s not gonna be interested if he’s flat-out turned off by you. This is perhaps more applicable for gay guys who come across as a little more feminine than average; for some reason, what’s attractive to us in women is a little bit of a turnoff in a guy. Not to say that you have to go out of your way to act hyper-masculine, especially if it’s really putting on act; just that it’s easier to feel attracted to someone you feel comfortable with, and easier to feel comfortable with someone when you feel like you’ve got some common ground. Then again, maybe a very feminine guy would have an advantage in a different way.
3. Don’t go too fast. Most straight guys have probably never really considered “messing around” with another guy. In particular, he probably hasn’t considered the idea of another guy “chasing” him; straight guys have a pretty comfortable thing going with the ladies where we’re the ones who chase them (at least on the surface), so it’s new and different for us to be in the “target” role. It takes a little while to get used to the idea. Again, it’s gotta be comfortable. Make sure he’s okay with talking about sex in general; if he just doesn’t want to discuss it with you at all, he’s probably not gonna want to hear your offer of “favors”.
4. If he says no – respect that. Whether it’s in a chat room or a bar or a dorm room or whatever, ‘no’ means ‘no’, and trying to talk him into it is more likely to make him angry than aroused.
Update: Wow, thanks for all the comments – and tips, I guess. Concerned about how straight guys see you or gay guys in general? Just going after them for sex may not be the best plan. So put that straight boy down!
February 8, 2008 at 10:42 am |
You left out – if he beats the living shit out you, that means no and IS an acceptable response. You knew he wasn’t queer and you tried to go there anyway.
February 8, 2008 at 12:59 pm |
the aweful truth is that there is NO way to “convert” a straight guy. ultimately, they have to have had a notion in their head that they either denied or moved past; they’re either interested (read “want to try it”) or not interested. the only one who can convince him otherwise would be him.
now, the trick is to find the guys who secretly wonder and never act on it. generally, you can make an educated guess after prolonged exposure to them and without asking intrusive questions or trying to make a move/cop a feel. you’ll know if they’re “maybe” into it or not.
i don’t proactively persue straight guys, but i have an uncanny affinity toward attracting them to me. there’s something about being a gay man who doesn’t act gay (are we supposed to act feminine? no way), plays sports, is big into halo and boozing it up, but i think one thing that fascinates them the most is how overtly sexual i am and yet i never once try to make a move on them, i simply am not interested in them; they then feel compelled to start the conversations and explorations of their own experiences. i just sit back and help them out.
the thing with me is that i seem like just another one of the guys, but i have the sensative side and the intellectual side. being a “bro”, hey feel comfortable about approaching me and asking my help or opinion on things that are private and/or personal with them. I don’t want to toot my own horn, dont get me wrong; I’m so smart that people seek out my opinion or knowledge on something because they see me as an ‘authority’ on certain things and trust my judgement. being as sensative as i am, i think they start to connect with me and fall in love (at least they think so) before they realize they’re totally into me.
and of course you’re right, if a guy isn’t “horny”, he’ll ignore the subject all together. not that i mind, i’d rather get ina slap fight or kick their ass in halo! and also true is the fact that if they want a feminine person, they’ll go for something with a vagina… its just natural.
February 8, 2008 at 2:19 pm |
[...] they share an intimacy that parallels that of me and my boys. It was by reading his latest post, How to seduce a straight guy, that I began to examine my boys. Yes, boys, plural, Marc aka “Dap”, and [...]
February 8, 2008 at 2:23 pm |
i posted about you, your blog, and this post… enjoy!
February 9, 2008 at 10:48 am |
@jonolan:
I agree that “you knew he wasn’t queer and you tried to go there anyway” is, maybe, a bit rude. I don’t agree that it justifies beating someone up.
Look at it this way – if it were a girl you weren’t into, rather than a guy, should she expect to get beaten? (No, because that’s something pretty much everyone understands is Not OK.)
If it were a girl getting hit on by a guy she didn’t like – should she beat him up? or at least slap him? Perhaps as a last resort, but it doesn’t always – even usually – come to that.
So why is kicking his butt the reasonable thing to do to a guy who comes onto you? It’s one thing if he’s trying to fend off getting raped, but “I think you’re hot and I’d like to pleasure you” isn’t exactly rape. It doesn’t hurt a straight guy’s masculinity if another guy wants to blow him; it might even be said to enhance it. After the 9th grade, the mature thing to do is to just say “no thanks” and move away.
So, why is it “an acceptable response”?
March 15, 2008 at 2:55 pm |
I have often wondered where I would fit in these conversations. I, personally dont find other men attractive, which is weird because I fantasize about them. I don’t want to have a relationship with another guy, and I don’t look at other men as attractive or not. But I have thoughts about man to man things that make me feel as if I am at least some sort of gay. But then how do you bypass the whole relationship crap for a simple encounter? I guess it would be better for me just to admit that I like the dick just not the rest of it.
March 15, 2008 at 3:08 pm |
If you are ever neart the space center, give me a call. Ask for the number duh!
March 16, 2008 at 11:07 pm |
It’s really not as hard as some people may think. I know it’s been said many times within responses to this topic, but if the so-called ’straight guy’ isn’t horny, he won’t even go there with you. Trust me, I have first-hand experience with this sort of thing. The best suggestion i can make is, get him horny. Start talking about sex in general. Not just about sex between the both of you. Talk about plaes to do it, etc. Then move towards more intimate questions, such as favorite position/role. Dominant vs. Passive. After quite a bit of this, some comments may be dropped in as “jokes.” What you want to do, is convert these “jokes” into part of the conversation. Once you’re both talking about sex between the both of you, feed into his senses. Figure out what he wants you to say, and give it to him. One thing you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want to do, is go and run your mouth about the conversation you had. No matter how much you can’t believe you actually got a “straight” boy to talk about having sex with you (or another boy) DO NOT go and tell ANYONE about it. They’ll find out, and immediately loose interest completely. The fear of being “outed” will take over, and then it will be immensely difficult to get them back to that point you had them at last night. =] Hope this helps!
May 22, 2008 at 7:38 am |
I have several experiences with presumably straight guys. What confuses me is why they get very much turned on during your contact with them. Then somehow freak out either right in the midddle or sometime afterwards. Some of them also tend to hang around you so much that you just have no option to get into their pants if you are really attracted to them.
I also like to ask on this forum why some presumably straight guys like to flirt a lot. They can flirt with you in public even to the extent of you feeling embarrassed but when its just the two of you in the bedroom, they freak out.
I dont know if other gay guys have the same experience but many times I get these friends that I really really love. They flirt, they touch, and disturb until I decide that its time to feel them. Usually, they freak out and I get so disappointed. Thereafter, I never feel like I like them anymore. It appears, without sex, its difficult for me to mentain a true friendship with another man that I am attracted to. Is it true for other gay guys?
May 25, 2008 at 10:02 am |
If they’re straight, they’re not expecting to get turned on from contact with a guy. When they realize “whoa, I’m turned on from being next to a guy”, it’s kind of freaky for them. This can make things awkward after. (Simple explanation.)
As far as the flirting goes – flirting with anyone when you know it could be taken more seriously than intended is a little on the cruel side. But somehow you’ve wound up “just the two of you in the bedroom”? That’s a little beyond “flirting”, sounds like… Perhaps he’s interested or curious but not sure he wants to actually act on that? I would guess that he finds all this as confusing and frustrating as you do. Or else he’s just a dick.
It’s hard to maintain “a true friendship” with *anyone* we’re attracted to, without some hint of sex creeping in. If they’re not attracted back, though, they should definitely not be leading you on by flirting like that. (And “touching”? That’s kind of a long way to go just to push your gay buddy’s buttons.) I’d say it’s fair to let them know that you really don’t appreciate being made fun of like that – they need to either shut up or put up (out?).
May 27, 2008 at 5:04 am |
Thanks “maybebi” for your comments on my questions. Its good there are forums like this one where some people can make such honest and you could say professional comments to personal questions. Please keep it up. I would be very keen to put more questions to you.
In the part of the world where I live (Uganda and perhaps in other poor countries), homophobia is official policy. I think in such societies, relationships between gay and straight guys are even more difficult. Reading your comment, it appears you would expect me to be open about my sexuality to my straight friends (especially if I am attracted to them and they flirt with me). This would be the logical situation.
Unfortunately because of state sanctioned homophobia, it always feels risky to come out even to your closest “straight” buddy. Most of my “straight” buddy’s would not know much about my sexuality. I put straight in quotes becoz here, it is actually difficult to know your friend’s sexual orientation. So we “know” everyone is straight until proven otherwise.
Being proven otherwise can have deadly consequences. As a result, it is very difficult to meet another gay person through ordinary living. You tend to meet them through the internet. Personally I find myself more attracted to the people I meet in ordinary life probably because I act ordinary and would like my partners to act ordinary.
This acting ordinary to some extent means acting straight. So by the time we are flirting, its almost like an experiment. You could end up in bed or no where. Even once in bed, still you are not sure whether your friend is expecting anything (both of you finding the situation confusing just like you say in the above comment).
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Ofcourse, i feel frustrated to find that a person is willing to share my bed but nothing more. I would never share a bed with another young man (me and my friends are in the 20-30 range) if I wasn’t physically in fact sexually attracted to them. I tend to explain this apparent naivety of my straight friends by the high levels of homophobia in our society sort of making it difficult for young people to even learn about homosexuality. I don’t know if this is a sufficient explanation.
I wish I was free to discuss these issues directly with the very friends concerned but I just don’t have the courage yet.
June 2, 2008 at 9:48 pm |
Hi again Jona – I hadn’t realized that you’re all playing “in the dark” about who might be interested in what. That would definitely make it tougher!!
If homosexuality is really so widely condemned (by people, not just the government), why are your friends all flirting with you? Do they flirt with each other? Maybe that’s one side effect of “of course none of us can possibly be gay, because that would be illegal” — everyone feels free to “pretend”. Which mostly sucks for guys who are only pretending to pretend – that is, who actually are gay, instead of just joking about it…. As confusing as that paragraph got, I imagine real life is worse!
When you and your friends (or just your friends, if you’re not into it) do sleep together – how big a bed? is there casual contact? what kind of clothing? I’ve had friends (well, a very few) where sharing a bed would be no big deal as long as everyone’s got pants on, for instance.
September 4, 2008 at 12:59 pm |
I had an experience with many Asian friends. Actually, Asians are much easier compared to Westerners. We can start a friendship like brothers. We can hold hands or put your hands on his shoulders wihtout being suspicious to be gay. Asian straingt guys sometimes hold another guy’s hands. They also accpet “brotherly love” very well. You just start to say ” I want to be your brother. Will you accept me as your brother?” and the usually the answer is yes. Then we will share about our life, jobs and you invited them for a sleep over or late dinner. Once you are very intimate (even with a straight guy), you can teasingly kiss him on the cheek sometimes. See his reaction after the cheeck kissing. If he is OK, you wrap around his shoulders and kiss his cheecks whenever you find an opportunity, It will have to take sometimes to go into another stage. The next is you have to plan for a big night where you will spend a good dinner with wine and other alcohols. Once you get a litte bit drunk, (not too drunk that you could not do anything), you accidentally falls onto his laps and slept. He would not deny it when you sleep on his laps. Then bring his hands into your chest or slowly to your croutch- then see his reaction if he withdrew his hands. Let him feel your erections. You guide his hand to rub you. It he do not struggle, it is a first step. The kiss his hands, later try to kiss his mouth, (as if you were drunk). If he push away it is OK but you have to pretend that you are drunk and you did not know anything. You can murmurs some names of girls. or sometimes, it just works and he will kiss you back, depending on how did you establish your relationship, Then you can ask him to touch and masturbate for you. It works well. Asking them to mastrubate is also saying that you are not completely gay but you want some help form you friend ot release your tension. These straight guys feel proud that another man fantisied about them and cum out. They really like to masturbate for you as they really feel proud (not sexually satisfied) but they feel proud because they are attractive to the same gender. But if you start to touch them or masturbate for them, they might freak out. After doing this for several time, you ask the favour that you wanted to do the same to you (to share your pressure) .. This is your turn to masturbate him or the best, give a good head so that they would remember you for life. They will always ask for oral from you. AFter that, you can expand your relationship as much as he allows you. Usually a success and long lasting. But you have to act normally friends when going out. I have sucess in getting about 6 straight men. Most of them are married now and but they are willing to spend some time with me.
September 16, 2008 at 8:38 am |
I have had a similar situ going on with me for about a year now. Straight guy that I became friends with about a year ago. Jock, girlfriend, the whole deal. He started hanging around me a lot and we went out drinking a lot. It was clear that he liked me. He’s big on the drunken hugs. He knew from the onset that I am gay. Several times he has done things that make me think he might be bi or gay, but other times I am almost certain that he would never do anything with another guy, at least not anytime soon. He has asked me to share his bed, and I have several times, but we just sleep. I refuse to put the moves on him, even though I am really attracted to him. I like him so much that i am afraid to try anything — because I don’t think I could take the rejection if he did reject me, and also because I am scared to death of ruining our friendship. Sometimes I think he is waiting for me to make the move. He has told me, drunk, how he likes his ass eaten out. When I said, “Wow, I’m surprised a girl would be into doing that,” he said “Feels good no matter who does it.” One time I asked him if I could crash with him (he initiated the practice) and he said sure. then after I got into bed he said “You know we’re never gonna hookup, right?” And I said, real smoothly, “Of course. i’ve always known that.” So, mixed signals all over the place, and unfort I really, really like this — too much, I think. hell, I love him. Not healthy for me, i know, but I can’t seem to find a way to separate him from my life.
Thanks for any suggestions. (I sure hope my buddy doesn’t read this!)
June 17, 2009 at 7:04 pm |
Joe,
Sometimes males just need the closeness of another male.Society has conditioned males in many cultures to resist that impulse of “affection” toward another male.
I’ve traveled extensively and the US is among those countries where male affection and friendships are subordinated to the interest of females in every walk of life. We always inject females into male environments and situations.
That’s why males are so confused about basic instincts. Your buddy may have deeper feelings, but I bet that he just longs for a ‘private type intimacy’ with you, where the two of you can be yourselves. His comment about your sexual relationship going nowhere is nothing more than a defense mechanism.
I have been with many straight males. I still have sex with straight males. Males today, tend to be more open
than they were when I was growing up. That sort of statement usually preceded intimate relations( ie-sex). It’s just a cautionary move to satisfy his own inability to come to terms with the fact that he may end up having sex with you, bur doesn’t want you to think it’s a relationship thing.
My blog deals with the eroticism that can exist in simple friendships-that extension of affection that so many guys would like but are fearful to extend.This is for all males-straight and gay. I grew up around masculine straight guys so this is part of my upbringing.I had wonderful relations with straight males.
I love this blog, so I’ll probably be responding a lot. I can be reached at reidercody@yahoo.com if you have more questions, but please continue to post your comments on this blog.I love reading them.
November 23, 2008 at 11:49 pm |
I am a single straight guy who is 61.
I would welcome a seduction from a gay guy as long as I find some attraction.
If I find him attractive and he flirts with me that would be a turn on.
I have had many relationships with women and find women physically appealing. But I am tired of some of the female temperaments and attitudes that I am now open to love in any place by any person.
So for me, I would feel excited that an attractive man wanted me and would be open to teaching me how to let a man please me and to teach me how to please him.
So if there are any gay or bi men who are interested in seducing me, come and get me..
Bob
November 26, 2008 at 9:30 pm |
Hey you all! Well, something similar happened to me. I love my best friend so much, and he’s like the most homophobic guy on Earth…we do jokes all the time, we know each other for almost 4 years now, I know its not much time, but we have this kind of connection, and he’s always telling me how grateful he is about me being his only and sincere best friend, and that he’s never met a friend like me before.
We spend a lot of time together, he says I’m like his brother, and we have shared the bed, either at my place or at his place. The first time we shared a bed was when we were studying at my place, I was kindda confused with the whole thing of someone (a guy) sleeping in my bed with me, because he moved over from the guest bedroom to mine in the middle of the night, and I was kindda scared at first and couldn’t sleep. I was just pretending to be asleep, and I felt how he grabbed my ass and started to rub it and stuff…I was like “OMG, what’s he doin’?!” but I stayed still. In the morning I told him “hey, I got pretty scared last night, I wasn’t expecting someone to get into my bed…” and we both laughed, and I told him “you grabbed my ass last night and gave a massage or something…” and did the same he did to me but on his shoulder…and he said “Really..?!” but we never talked about it again.
Well, after that, every time he spent the night at my place we slept together…and I decided to try something…I grabbed his balls and his dick…and masturbated him…I could feel how he got an erection in my hands, how his dick grew bigger in my hands…it was so hot! He even moaned once…but all of this was as he was “asleep”…I loved to rub my erection with his ass…and I had to get up and go to bathroom to finish ’cause I was so freaking horny!
Well, everything was OK, until one day, when I hug him “asleep” just to try to reach for his dick, he “woke up”, and tried to “wake me up” he was kindda annoyed or angry…and I decide it was the best to pretend I was deeply asleep…so, he moved to the guestroom, and spent the rest of the night there…and never again came back to sleep to my bed. At this time he started with his actual girlfriend, they have around 2 and a half years in their relationship now).
At first, when he spent the night at my place, my parents asked me why he was staying in my bed with me, since there was a guest room available…and I just made up something to explain that, but what I later was that I moved to the guest room just before they woke up, so they didn’t see us sleeping together…once he told me why I moved, I told him that it was due to the sun coming through my window didn’t let me sleep.
At his place, when he got his new big bed, he told me to sleep with him (share the bed) and everything was OK, until one day, we were watching porn in his bedroom before sleeping (we were already in bed)…and I got pretty horny, and got an erection. When we turned of the TV, and tried to sleep, I just couldn’t stop thinking about me giving him pleasure, jerking him off…and since I couldn’t, I just rubbed my erection against his ass cheeks like I’d done many times before, but he woke up, and was so angry! I’ve never ever seen him like that before, it was like he was shocked, nervous, angry, confused, well, I don’t know….and told me “HEY!! WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!! I KNOW YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING!! WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKIN’ FAGG!!” And I was like “what’s going on? Why are talking to me like that?” all this pretending to be just awaken, and he told me “GO SLEEP TO ANOTHER ROOM!!” since I didn’t move he repeated “GO SLEEP TO ANOTHER ROOM!!”, and I took a blanket and slept on the floor by his bed, and he told me “HEY, GO SLEEP TO ANOTHER ROOM! I TOLD YOU TO GO SLEEP TO ANOTHER ROOM! DON’T SLEEP ON THE FLOOR!!” and since I didn’t leave, he stood up, and went to sleep to another room, and told me to stay and sleep there. I couldn’t sleep, I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t stop thinking what to do or what to say in the morning…I cried several hours in a row, and was really embarrassed, and had no idea what was going to happen next…I didn’t have my car there, ‘cause that night he picked me up from my place, so I couldn’t just run away or escape from there…
In the morning, he didn’t speak to me at all, and we had an exam at 8am…I was sure he was going to make me take a cab from his place to the University, but we went together in his car, but he didn’t say a word…nothing….it was one of the most awkward moments in my life…and when I tried to speak to him, and talk over what happened last night, he told me “HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO ACT AFTER SOMEONE RUBBED HIS DICK AGAINST MY ASS!! YOU FUCKING FAG!!” and I tried to explain myself by saying that I had an erection from the porn we had watched, and that when he moved my hard dick touched his ass, and that was when he woke up…and that I was so embarrassed…well, even though I gave my best explaining myself, we got really separate from each other, like for one week and a half…it was until he saw me making out with a very hot girl at a friend’s birthday party that he came and hugged me and told me he had missed me…
After that, everything came back to normal, but we don’t share a bed anymore…
After a couple of months, I met a girl with whom he was cheating on his girlfriend, and I saw that girl and told myself “DAMM she’s fine!” but that was it, I liked her a lot, and I told him even to leave his girlfriend to be with this other girl because I thought it wasn’t cool to cheat on his girlfriend, but he told me that he was just fooling around with her because she couldn’t make him feel the way his girlfriend did…a couple of months later they “broke up” (the girl he was fooling around with and him) and since we (me and her) turned out to be really good friends, we kept texting (SMS), and I talked to her when I broke up with my girlfriend, and she supported me, called me to see if I was doing OK, and when I got a surgery she called me everyday to check on me, and brought me over some food she cooked…and by the end of last year (January 1st 2008), we were officially dating, and when I told him at first if it was OK with him, he told me that he didn’t care, but when I told him we had made out he got so angry, he insulted me and we had a big HUGE fight on the phone, and got separated again. A couple of months later, he approached to me and told me how sorry he was, that he over reacted, and that our friendship was too strong to end it for a girl…and that he missed me a lot, and that he wondered if we could forget all of that, overcome all the situation and continue to be as good friends as we were…and well, I told him that I missed him too so much and that I was OK with that, and then we hugged…
But it took me a couple of months to forgive him for all what he told me, and I was just making sure that he understood that I was not going to do always what he says, and to kindda hide how much I love him, and that every time I see him, my heart beats stronger, and that I don’t want to be away from him…
Anyway, I broke up with this girl, ‘cause she turned out to be really annoying, and manipulating, and I broke up with her just to make her understand that if she didn’t watch over me, she was going to lose me…at first I wanted to get back with her, because it was just a warning, but I decided to keep it that way when she started sending SMS to my friend and calling him in a flirty way.
We both (my friend and me) felt used by her, and decided to set her up, to see how she reacted, and for her surprise we took her mask off without actually knowing it, and we ended everything for good.
Now, we (my friend and I) are best friends again, and everything is back to normal. He even told me how happy he is that we both are as good friends as we used to be. And even though we don’t share the bed, I know he misses having me around at night in the same bed and in the same room, because he still tells me to sleep in the other bed next to his in the guest bedroom at my place, but I refuse, and tell him how I miss sharing a bed with him because we talked for hours about everything just before falling asleep…
He always makes jokes about me wanting him to touch me and that he won’t do it…
I consider myself bisexual, not entirely gay, I am in a relationship with a girl I really like, and with whom I picture my future with….but the only guy I would give all that up for is he.
He even asked me yesterday if I really love the girl I am with, and I told him what did he mean by that, and he told me that if I pictured myself in the future with her or something, and I told him I did, and I asked him if he actually loved his girlfriend or the other girl he’s dating (yes, he is with 2 girls now…again), and he told me he didn’t…that he actually wanted to be single, and that the only one from those 2 he ever thought about something more in the future was his girlfriend, but that he still felt he didn’t love her…
I know it’s a pretty long story, but I would like to hear your comments about it…and tell me what you think I should do, or if you think I’ve got a chance with him…
October 9, 2009 at 8:12 am |
That is long. Rather complete really, resolved, so there’s nothing I feel I need to say to you about it.
But thanks a lot for sharing.
November 26, 2008 at 9:50 pm |
BTW, I gotta say that no one knows about this, or that I have feelings for a guy…and that I don’t know what to do…
He has told me before that he wouldn’t be friend with a gay guy…and eventhough I’m not gay, but bi, I’m afraid that if he gets to know how I feel, our friendship is going to be ruined…
February 13, 2009 at 9:10 am |
Latinboy, I feel really badly for you, buddy. Sounds to me like you might be one of a rare breed — a true bisexual. As much as you obviously love this guy (and it’s clear that he loves you as well), I think from what you said that he’s never going to be the person you need him to be for you. He obviously has some homosexual feelings too; the thing is, he deals with them in a negative and reactive way — it’s a cancer in him that he must not give in to, it’s something to be denied and eventually eradicated. Whereas YOU recognize your feelings toward him as a valid part of you, something you’re not ashamed of, even if it does make your life a living hell sometimes. You’re being honest with yourself and facing this head on. He’s doing the opposite. He’s not intentionally playing head games with you or trying to cause you any pain (and you know this); he’s just incapable of dealing with his attraction to you. Sometimes this inability to deal with these feelings can actually surface in the form of hostility toward the very person that they’re attracted to. And that, my friend, is no good at all for you. And remember that what you really need to do here is watch out for yourself. You are too vulnerable to him now, it sounds like, and he’s just too unpredictable.
This will be tough to hear but it will ultimately be best for you to put some serious distance between you two and let the bonds weaken. Luckily, college should do this for you.
I speak from experience on pretty much all of the above.
I hope this helps, buddy, and good luck.
Joe
March 28, 2009 at 11:46 pm |
My situation with my best friend is similar to Latinboy’s in the sense that we always share a bed and I’ve done similar things to him while he’s asleep. However, even though he is somewhat homophobic, he would never react that way. In fact, once we were awake in the bed, and my cat crawled up to it and lied down on his lap. We both started to pet him, and as I did that I felt his dick through his pants. I began to rub his dick instead of the cat, and continued for about 5 minutes. He pretty much acted as if it wasn’t happening, even though he had the most massive boner ever, and we never discussed it afterward. I get mixed signals from him and I’m afraid to ever bring up my attraction to him because I fear it will end the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. However, I feel that if I do bring it up and he does confess that he has feelings for me too, it could become the most wonderful relationship of my life.
March 30, 2009 at 8:27 am |
One thing you don’t mention is how old you guys are. High school? College? 30?
You say you’re attracted to him; is that a romantic kind of attraction? Purely physical? Really good friends (“with benefits”) but not boyfriends?
There’s two possibilities – either he’s got feelings for you, or he doesn’t. If he does, he may still not want to act on them, because it’d mean acknowledging those feelings. And as you’ve found out, that’s a scary place to be when you don’t generally feel “that way” for another guy. Or, maybe he just isn’t sure where it could lead. If he doesn’t feel the same about you as you do for him, then either he hasn’t figured out how to respond, or he’s just trying to give you a gentle brushoff (uncontrollable boners aside). Push him too far or too fast to respond, and confusion can turn into anger – at you. (Joe’s advice above sounds really good that way.) Maybe he does feel “that way” and in time he’ll be willing to act on it… but how long have you been dealing with your feelings for him? Give him at least that long.
I’d suggest letting him make the next “move”. You’ve shown that you’re okay with sharing a bed and even rubbing him like that. If he stops even sharing a bed, then he’s not interested. If he keeps sharing a bed but makes no effort to return the crotch-rubbing, I’d settle for that, sounds like it’s as far as he’s comfortable going (at least right now). You can probably figure out what to do if he does rub you back – although again, don’t rush him. I’ve always been a play-it-safe kinda guy, I’d be picking the wonderful friendship over the distant possibility of a “relationship” of a kind that I never looked for from a guy.
March 30, 2009 at 10:01 am |
i was in the navy and i fell in love with my bestfriend… we were both in the navy… i couldnt believe how stupid i was…. i knew that this guy would DO it because he was horny… but we didnt actually do it but we had a lot of times that we almost had sex but i stopped…
now i am out of the military because of something that i regret… and that was being so stupid of falling in love with him…
i dont wanna go in to details but all i can say is seducing a straight guy is a lot of fun and excitement… but it is not worth losing your friendship and your career…
let us say would i ever do it again if i was given the chance to repeat the whole thing? my answer would be yes… i would… because of this i have learned a lot of things…. but i will not trust anyone from now on…
April 6, 2009 at 10:36 pm |
Thank you very much for your advise. to answer your questions, we’re High School seniors, about to graduate in less than two months. And I’d have to say that my attraction to him has both a romantic and a sexual component. I don’t know exactly how a relationship between us would work out in terms of how our families and friends would take it, but I do know that I’d be willing to roll with the punches if he were interested.
April 14, 2009 at 5:35 pm |
Folks should remember that ‘Straight/Gay’ is not a binary ‘yes/no’ issue. It tends to be more of a gradation of orientations. Societal and cultural pressures tend to make guys who are more straight than gay, identify as straight and suppress any homosexual urges or curiosities. So that being said, there is no seducing a dude who is on the absolute far end of heterosexuality. Guys who are not completely on the far end of hetero can potentially be persuaded to ‘go there’. The real question however is ’should you?’. I’ve seduced a buddy of mine who for all intents and purposes came up as ’straight’, in fact he’s married now to a lady. Prior to his marriage, he and I got together three times under the pretext of: alcohol, ‘needing a place to stay for the night’, and comforting me after the death of a distant relative (hey, I don’t want to be alone tonight…). We had a really great time and he was very good at the things I showed him how to do. Lots of hot fun sex.
The downside however is that he got all anxious and shut down with me afterward and our friendship drifted. In retrospect I think it was irresponsible of me to ’seduce’ him instead of being more open and honest in my attraction for him (this is partly the curse of being young and stupid). I actually think he was not just attracted to me but also ‘into’ me since we were very good friends as well, but didn’t deal with the ‘gay implications’ well and I really didn’t do much to help him there. I suspect he was more bisexual than first believed (even by him). He was just such a blue collar bull of a guy, I let stereotypes trip up my judgment (the irony is not lost on me there). Had I been wiser and more attentive to what he was going through, I think we actually might have become boyfriends. Such a pity.
May 1, 2009 at 3:40 am |
Howdy y’all Texan boy here=] well it seems that everyone here is smitten by the “straight” guy. I do have questions to ask….why? yes he is hot but rather than a sexual fling, what are the intentions? Are you trying to prove that it can be done? Do you think you are madly in love? They are people too and they have regrets, feelings, and wantings to be loved…it could seriously do some damage so please be safe with what you do…if not for your sake then for his/hers. …I wont deny they are really cute=]
May 24, 2009 at 7:54 am |
Interesting reading here…. My best friend and I have known each other for 20 years now (we’re 45). I still think he’s the hottest man I’ve ever known. We’re both married, kids, the whole deal. He’s always made a lot of jokes about how we’re just two old queens, we should get married, etc. I play along and we have big laughs about it. Anytime I’ve ever talked about the issue (in theory and in seriousness) of sex with a guy, he gets real disgusted though, how he could never do it with a guy, etc. What’s strange though is we have gotten to a point where we often hang out now and watch str8 porn and just in the past year will jerk off in each other’s presence. We’re both very comfortable being naked around each other, in fact he seems to enjoy it as much as I do. We enjoy being naked in the hot tub. We’ve slept together (just sleep). It’s all pretty much there except physical sexual contact. I keep hoping that someday it will move there, but it wont be at my initiation because I love the guy and value his friendship far more than sex. I would never want to do anything that would mess that up for us. Anyone else in a LTR like this that is so close, but yet so far?? LOL! What do you guys think? Is he bi?
June 3, 2009 at 4:47 pm |
Hi everybody,
I just read what Steve wrote and I immediately thought about my friend, which I will call “D” he just turned 40, I am 34 and openly gay, and what I mean by openly is that he and everybody who knows me, knows that I am gay… I don’t wear “tight” sparkly T-shirts… (hope you know what I mean)
The whole thing about me posting this here is that I am very confused, and please excuse if I have mistakes in my writings… I’m spanish native speaker and my whole story happens to be in German.
“D”, he is very masculine, married and have a wonderful son… we met for about 3 years now and we made “clic” very quickly… with the time our relationship were turning more and more “friendly” and we have made many things together… (we haven’t yet sleep together)
Why I am confused? Ok, sometimes I have the feeling that he is giving me “signs” about something I am scare of… the first time somthing happens, we were just playing with a balloon with his son, and when the son was looking away, he put the balloon between his legs and used as if was it his dick… was funny and automatically forgot it…
as I say before we have done many thing together and when I put all this “signs” together I’m not sure what to think about it… I don’t want to make a huge post here so I will try to reduce it to some main events…
Once, we were to swing together, it was summer and we were laying together, he knew I was reading (I was actually seating) and from time to time I was checking his hairy chest (wink)… I guess he noticed, not sure, but he close his eyes and for my surprise, after a minute or so I noticed he had a boner! after a few seconds he stand up and went to the pool…
We went to a Disco, and after talking, dancing and drinking, the hours were gone and we decided to go, I started walking and he was right behind me, suddenly I stopped because someone wanted to walk in front of me and he stopped too, but he left out the space between us, and he just push himself against me and no only once
I could felt even his belt 
Last week we were building furniture together (he was helping me, I relocated myself somewhere else) and he was using a new fragrance, he was looking great and smelling marvelous, so I asked what he was wearing… as always he didn’t remembered, no prob, I just let him know “I liked it”… after hours of working we went to his place and planned to have lunch together; when I didn’t expected he came to me, he took my left hand with his left hand, he turn my hand towards me, and with his right hand he just wrap me from behind and pushing himself against me he put a bit of the new fragrance in my left hand…
I swear I felt his whole body against me… am I driving me crazy? why he didn’t just show me the bottle? Why the whole act of the “hug”?
That night I couldn’T sleep just thinking about him!
Is he just playing with me? As I say before, he is married, and I am very close to his wife too!!! what can I do? Should I try something? I don’t want to mess up our friendship!
What do you think guys?
June 29, 2009 at 8:46 pm |
Hey R2, just read your story, from what you wrote, I think you should wait a little more, just to wait what he does…pherharps you should try to make a smooth move…not too much…like slight touches or something…to see how he reacts…
June 29, 2009 at 8:19 pm |
Hello Joe (and others too)! thank you for your advice and patience. I know I wrote a bit too much, but I just wanted to know what you thought about the whole thing.
I don’t know if that can be done…because I’m pretty close to his family right now…they even say I’m part of their family…so it’s a bit complicated…
We just finished our University…he’s 25 and I’m 23, and we’ve known each other for 5 years now.
So what do you think I should do?
July 18, 2009 at 4:12 am |
I did this. I didn’t get him drunk. He was so hammered already. He kept standing really close to me. Face to face. I made a joke about how hot he was and that I would totally suck hum off. He was like really and he started laughing. He went into my room after a while and I didn’t even notice. My roommate was drinking with us and had gone to bed just before. He yelled out hey what is this? So I went into my room to see what he was talking about and when I walked in he was laying naked on my bed. I freaked a little. I asked him what the hell he was doing. He said knock yourself out. I sucked him off, it was a one time thing. I know that I know he’s straight he never touched me and kept his head leaned back. We joked about it the next day but it never happened again. I know he’s straight and I was just a means to an end, so to speak, and I’m fine with it. Still it was fun.
July 18, 2009 at 4:14 am |
Oh and no one knows about this. NO ONE! Not even my best friend. He asked me not to tell anyone and I respect that.
August 2, 2009 at 6:58 pm |
Well I’ve read all the stories on here and would like to add mine….I’m straight well ok you could say I’m curious….
Quite a few years ago whilst out in a club in Ibiza I guy started speaking to me we had a laugh and and a joke…I’d got seperated from my friends in the club and he had from his too. He said he’d come on holiday with 4 girls and was sharing with them…I remember saying I bet that’s good…. he said I’m gay so it’s not as good as you think. I remember him looking me up and down, I also remember him wearing shiny pvc trousers…It turned out at the end of the night my friends had met his friends and we all went back to my friends hotel for a few drinks. I remember vividly how he was looking at me and really wish now I’d acted on it but I didn’t want my friends to know…. now the thought of a man in pvc trousers is an instant turn on and I long to be chatted up like that again…
August 15, 2009 at 12:31 am |
I had to call animal control today and the guy who came was really cute.
I want to do stuff and I’m really not sure of how I would do it. =T
He might be interested but how can I find out for sure??
Or
How do I ask him to do that sort of stuff??
I really like him.
Please respond with some tips..
Thanks
August 18, 2009 at 6:45 am |
Okay first I must say I am gay and I am str8 acting, and yes I seem to atract str8 guys for experiment and what not, but I had a crush on this total jock and wanted him very bad, but I am totally against coming on to str8 guys just not my style, but I had just came out and my friend she bought me my first gay porn as we gathered around to watch it, he knocked on the door and he also watched it and as everyone left he stuck around something he always do, but the porn was still going leaving us alone and question in the air I just plainly told him that he had to many question I could show him better than I could tell him and it went from there. So I believe guys if you really want to try this pursue a str8 guy this could be very dangerous and I say to all that does attempt this to be careful, but see how gay porn goes and see what question he throw ur way and go from their but be gentle oh yeah guys I have been in a relationship with a so call str8 guy which father is a big time celeb, name I will not mention but never say never and never give up on that dream guy that we have figured up in our head because when you least expect it he will come. My point is to go after a str8 guy will end in a few session of hot romance sometimes why not look for your dream guy.
September 2, 2009 at 5:00 pm |
so basically, ive been interested in this guy recently, he is straight as far as i know but we constantly talk about sex and sexual things and what we would like to do! however, he freaks out after just a little grope or if its just us 2, ill put some porn on and try to drop comments and he will play along until it comes down to touching… we even went in the shower, with shorts on and he got a huge hardon and wasnt embarressed by me being there, i wanted to do all sorts to him at that point but held back because im worried about his response and dont wanna reuin a great friendship.
September 2, 2009 at 5:01 pm |
please help! what should i do!?
September 2, 2009 at 5:22 pm |
Sounds like he’s comfortable talking openly about sex, he’s just not interested in “touching”. If you want to stay his friend, respect the limits of what he’s comfortable with. Maybe there’ll be a chance for something to happen, maybe not.
September 3, 2009 at 4:55 am |
thats the thing, i really do think there is a chance of something happening but he will send out all the right signs, flirt flirt flirt then freak out when we could actually do something :S!
September 10, 2009 at 3:15 am |
I have to tell you….straight-guy-sex is only good for short term. I lived with a straight guy for a year and it was really a confusing situation. We started out as friends and one night we got a little drunk together and went back to his apartment and ended up having a full sexual encounter. We went to his room while his then roommates were sleeping and he let me do him. He got into it too and even did a little oral on me. Afer that, he denied what happened as being anything but a one time thing. Later we moved in together and we had sex several times, but always “on his terms”. Afetr a while he got squeemish about it and we got into a physical fight over it because he couldn’t commit. I should have known better. but thought he was going to turn one day. IT was good while it lasted but I couldn’t get over him doing me one night and f****ing his girlfriend the next night.
October 9, 2009 at 9:16 am |
Bisexual here. You know I’ve been centered in a funny story recently. A couple years ago, back in high school, I sat next to this guy in two of my classes for a year. By the end of it, I was having inappropriately sexual dreams about him. The one time I’d shown myself to him, a stolen hug, he reacted with cold disapproval. Never mentioned it again. We parted until recently, I decided to tell him about the hell I was going through over an other guy back then, my first love, just cause I remembered he was such an insightful individual, he deserved to know. Maybe one day he might turn his hand to helping another stupid love-stuck kid out of his hole[not that I ever found a way out of mine].
He slipped up that day, making a throwaway comment about having seen my gay friend from my photo collection on a dating site. At this point I knew he was gay. I did a bit of digging and found his profile on gay.co.nz. Oh, how I cackled!
Those inappropriate dreams? They were appropriate =D. I’m still perfect.
Moral is, if you’re getting odd vibes off him, he may be keeping something from you. When we met up that time, after I told him I was bi his body language only got sweeter.
But at the end of the day, he never actually told me he was gay. I think it’s cause he’s still closeted and hasn’t told barely anyone, which seems a bit sad, but I’m not getting any tail either and I’m alright so whatever.
First love was something else. I’m sure there was some great godly reason behind it, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. Maybe a kid I could mould. Shape to be whatever I needed. That’s all I got.
Well, anyway, whenever it became clear to me that he was not geared to love me anything like how I loved him, my heart cracked. In the end I think my greatest failing in that engagement was my lack of faith in fate’s impetus, this failing gave me the singular desire to run from that which was ordained in me. I could see no way to make him mine, as I wanted, and foresaw only more pain and stagnation. I still don’t see what I was supposed to do, and I suppose that’s what leads me here.
When I had achieved a stable distance from him, the pain ceased entirely. Though I still dream about him from time to time, the images are no longer true to life. I suppose that’s good, I’m not chasing that old love, but a new one.
October 13, 2009 at 7:16 pm |
So I have this friend. And we’ve been friends for about two years. He has a girlfriend but i’m still attracted to him. Now I don’t usually have him stay over but he always asks me to stay over. Sometimes randomly at 11 pm he’ll ask me if I want to stay over. He has a guest room but we always end up sleeping in his bed. He tells me everything and I know that he’s had a drunken escapade or two which resulted in him giving a guy a hand job and recieving a bj from a guy. By the way, we are seniors in high school. So in turn, I told him about my experiences while being drunk with guys. We always just wrestle around with each other and when we hang out and watch tv or movies we will just lay there, entangled, with our heads laying on each other. Idk. Sometimes I feel like he wants to go further. I mean he always tells me he’s horny. So I don’t know whether to act on it or not. I mean he ha a girlfriend and they’ve been dating for about 5 or 6 months. I’m the only person who knows about the things he’s done, an he’s actually gone farther with guys than girls, so what should I make of that? I’m really attracted to him but don’t know what to do. Any advice?
October 13, 2009 at 9:51 pm |
Sounds like a really great friendship! You know what he’s done with guys, he knokws what you’ve done with guys, clearly he’s still comfortable being close to you. If both of you were drunk when you did those things, maybe try getting drunk together. Or at least “drunk” enough to let that be an excuse.
October 26, 2009 at 8:08 pm |
Thanks very much for publishing this blog. I am a married man, 50, who has always been heterosexual. I was raised in a Midwestern Catholic environment, conditioned to be homophobic. It took my own experience in ordinary encounters with gay men and women to realize that what I had been taught as a child was simply wrong and mean. Beyond that, I never had any reaction to being with a man.
But several years ago, something changed inside me. I am happily married, but my wife lost all interest in sex. I tried to suppress my needs and urges in the name of my marriage. But that is like trying to squeeze a balloon. It eventually led me to the Internet. And there, I saw gay sex for the first time. I should have been appalled. But instead, I became hopelessly aroused. And as I chatted with other men, my desire for an encounter, if not a relationship with a man has grown significantly.
Maybe men are simply more accessible. Maybe it’s the power of a stiff penis that hypnotizes me. Maybe it’s the thrilling thought of smashing the glass wall that separates my straight life from a torrid and meaningful gay encounter. Now, I am hoping that I will be spotted and seduced, pulled into something for which I am ripe for the picking.
That might sound cluelessly naive. Perhaps I’ve been a bisexual time bomb for years but simply never knew it. But I have opened a genie’s bottle. And there’s no going back. I hope that I can find someone who can gently channel my anxieties and coach me into a healthy relationship. At my age, I feel the clock is running. Younger men have many more options and years of time to experience and grow. By contrast, with each year, I become less desirable.
I welcome your thoughts and perspective. Thanks very much for your excellent postings here!
October 30, 2009 at 3:34 am |
Is he gay/bi/straight/curious ? And is it fine to approach him without showing him my sexuality ?
We both are of 25 yrs. Both good looking and decent, educated guys. I met him in a coaching class 2.5yrs ago. Since then we are quite good friends. I have been physical with few gay men, but not with a girl yet, so am not sure of my sexuality, but for the time being I consider myself as gay. He had a girlfriend, but he never had sex with her(Due to different morals of society in our part of world). We talk on everything, chicks, sex, movies, fun etc.
But he probably doubts that I am gay as he had said things like I should go & check out some guys, and on which “POLE” am sitting on… lol.. etc. Once he even asked me (on phone) that whether am gay, which I ignored, as if I didnt hear that at all. Twice he has told me, on his own that he is of conservative thinking and wants to have sex only with girls and not with me ( thru text msg).
We meet every sunday in his friends’ apartment for some studies, where we are alone and last Sunday while we were eating bananas, I said that these are of quite good taste and he said, that “Oh so you like BANANAS very much?” I again showed as if I didnt get his meaning.
I dont know what to do. Am really attracted to him. But I dont want to lose him, as he is a very good guy & a good friend. But also want to seduce him …hehe !! Please gimme some decent help and seduction tactics…lol !! Thanks in advance !!
October 30, 2009 at 3:44 am |
Sometimes I have no idea how to respond to questions like this, but this one seems pretty straightforward. You haven’t even confirmed that you’re into guys, but your friend has already spontaneously told you he doesn’t want to have sex with you or other guys. On the other hand, he hasn’t stopped being your friend based on what he (correctly) thinks about you. If you want to tell him that you’re gay, that’s fine. And I guess it’s possible that he is too, just deeply in denial about it. Whether he is or not, he’s not interested in doing it with you. If you push that, by trying to “seduce” him, he may decide the best way to say no to sex with you is to drop the friendship. I’d say leave him alone and just be a good friend.
October 30, 2009 at 8:31 am |
Thankx…this is what my mind says…but heart tries go the other way…Neways thanks again…I would try to control my heart…I have also decided that I would not do anything at the cost of our friendship and I would not be the first one to initiate that TOUCH..and would wait if he does so.
November 1, 2009 at 6:56 am |
I agree with the above replies. Do not ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A GUY IF HE SHOWS NO INTEREST. Value your friendship. If he wantss it, he will come around. Sooner or later, his curiousity will get the better of him if he’s into it.
Visit me at http://malespeak.info. I talk about all kinds of issues with gay and straight men.
November 3, 2009 at 10:55 am |
I have a question. Im a masculine bi guy and one of my supposedly straight friends acts just like a few of the gay ppl we kno. he doesnt kno about me but they do. when he talks he always plays and says miss ma’am, or bitch, or yesss!!!!! He tends to be very touchy when he is drunk such as hand massagin my shoulder in the club, hand on my waist in the crowd while drunk…..and we messed around alittle while drunk off our asses but he says he doesnt remember. I think ppl kno what they doin when they drunk especially when the finish and they say dont tell no one. another thing how many straight dudes do u kno that show there gay friends pictures of their dicks in their cellphone.
November 3, 2009 at 9:39 pm |
What’s your question? if he’s really straight or not? I’d kinda question it too, sounds like he’s very comfortable acting sexually with you. But if he doesn’t want to identify as anything except straight, I’d just let him be about it. Maybe he’ll eventually identify as bi, maybe he’ll stop doing stuff with you (or other buds), maybe he’ll keep on as he is. You’re not necessarily going to do him or your friendship any favors by pushing him too hard to change his label.
November 5, 2009 at 9:49 pm |
I’m a 40 year old attractive, intelligent gay man. However I’m not your typical “gay” guy. Other than the fact that I’m 40 and single, most people don’t figure me as gay. Often I have women telling me that I just haven’t met the right girl, etc; which I actually find insulting. That said, I get a lot of those ‘curious straight’ guys of all ages flirting with me. I can relate on some level to most of the stories posted here. The only thing I can say that I know for sure is that SEXUALITY IS COMPLICATED. It is not black & white. Large gray areas folks. It can be confusing and frustrating for me at times. In fact very often I wish I fit into the gay stereotype, because I feel it would be easier for me to meet people. I do believe that most everyone is bisexual to some extent. Our society readily accepts women who “experiment” with other women, but it’s not okay for a man to experiment? That’s too gay? In fact I really believe that homophobia in general is driven by women. Men aren’t allowed to express themselves for fear that a woman would think they were gay and judge them for that. Don’t get me wrong, I love women and have a few very close female friends. This is just a theory that I have recently realized.