Three dimensions

I don’t pretend this is new and original, but I’ve found it helpful to be as precise and definite as possible in terms of thinking about how people interact (guy-guy and guy-girl). (Occupational hazard.)

There’s three ways to relate to another human being. (Ok, at least three, but three for now.)

There’s the social level. This is friendship – who do we like to spend time with? If it’s mostly/exclusively other guys, then we might consider that we prefer to socialize with the same sex. That is, homosociality. Preferring to socialize with women might be described as heterosocial. “Socialize” here I think is a little more than just “who do you like to hang out with”, but it’d include that too. I’d argue that most guys are homosocial by nature; it’s easier for us to understand each other than it is to understand women. Not a big deal either way.

(The stereotypical “feminine” gay man is the exception to this. Socializing is based partly on shared interests and mindset/attitude. Friends don’t all have to like exactly the same list of “approved manly” things, but when there’s nothing in common to talk about… it’s a little awkward. Possibly this explains what has been described as “Gay Fatigue”? Tomboys or (I guess) “butch” lesbians would also be exceptions.)

There’s the romantic level. Again, one can have romantic feelings mostly for people of the opposite sex, mostly for people of the same sex, or some of both.

There’s the sexual level. No big surprise that there’s that same spectrum here – sexual desire exclusively for the opposite sex, mostly for the opposite sex, half-and-half, mostly for the same sex, exclusively for the same sex.

So, three dimensions. They’re not automatically related – being strongly homosocial is perfectly compatible with being strongly heteroromantic and heterosexual, or also with being homoromantic and homosexual. “Romance” and “sex” aren’t always linked (“correlated”) either. “Homosexual but heteroromantic” (or hetero for sex but homo for romance) would be awkward, though!

I think the tension about being bi comes, in part, from combining “homosocial” and (partly) homo-sexual with hetero-romantic. I’ve slowly realized that I’m not entirely hetero-romantic, either, or at least there’s one shining exception. Although it really doesn’t feel like the same kind of “romance”, either. Or maybe it’s just that I know that he’s not ever going to want flowers and sparkly shiny jewelry?

Painful realization

So, after a while of being oblivious, I finally realized something this afternoon while doing laundry.

I love my best bud (who I’ve talked about on this site a time or twelve before). I’m also in love with him. I haven’t told him about that. I’m not eager to do it, but I’d “be gay” for him if it meant for sure winding up together.

I also want to love the girl I’m dating. I’m not sure that I do, yet. She’s very interested in me, but there’s a couple little things in the way – the condo she can’t sell to move down here, for instance. We disagree about kids (me = yes, her = no way), maybe a few other things. No objections to “being straight” to wind up with her, if that’s what I really want to do.

I’m 32 and afraid of winding up all alone, and very very tired of feeling unsure about which team I’m playing on. I want to pick one or the other and deal with it. The easier option is picking her. I’d be willing to try with him — IF I was sure he wanted to also. But I have no idea if he’d have any romantic interest in me at this point. Or ever. He’s been mentioning some other guy lately, I assumed he was just a friend but apparently there’s maybe a romantic vibe there.

So…. in some ways I’d be happier coming clean to him and seeing if he’s interested. (Wouldn’t be all a walk in the park, I know.) But, I’d only want to actually decide “I’m gay” if (and only if) it meant winding up with him; never been able to imagine being with any other guy but him. If it doesn’t – he’s not interested in me that way, he’s not interested in moving down here, whatever – then I guess the “experimentation” phase of my life is kinda over without me getting any say in it.

Weird coincidence?

I was looking through the “casual encounters” section on craigslist – don’t ask why – and ran across an interesting picture:

from the ad

Well, hes’ not a bad looking guy, not really my type but I’m not even sure I’ve got a “type” for guys.  What I’m trying to figure out is whether that’s the same guy as this:

definitely him

(best pic I can find right now)

Because, if so, then that same ad showed WAY more of his body than I’d ever seen before.  And I’m fairly impressed. 

(And a little surprised that he’s posting an ad looking for a guy, although he’s hinted that he’s “curious” before, including to me and my “brother”, although he doesn’t know about us being “close” like that.)

An ultimate crush?

This was submitted as a comment but I thought it might be better as a “guest post”… sounds like this guy really needs some advice, let’s try to help him out! — GT

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“Ok so I keep beating myself up on conflicting situations… I went to college as a confused teenager unsure of my sexuality… I was interested in girls but way more fascinated in boys on the count of i think i understand them better… I was almost certain i was a masculine bi male when all of a sudden at college preview, i saw this guy walk in. My heart shattered at how much i desired him yet i knew i would only see him briefly in such a huge college. well. i was wrong. during the preview, we got roomed together and i got to know him better to find out how similar we were. we loved sports and cars and both were aspiring to medical school eventually. At this point, i fell in love with this guy with an ultimate crush. I was happy with the crush since we never exchanged numbers so i would have lusted and never seen him again. I left for home sad and got prepared for college in the fall. I knew this was a fresh start for my life as a curious male.

“I came to my class on the first day and guess who sits next to me on the first day. My ultimate crush. We had all the same classes on accident. We exchanged numbers and did guy things together such as working out (i loved to touch his muscles), chilling, drinking, pool, whatever came up. I grew intensely in love with this kid and would do anything for him but i was never good at reading signs. he is older than me, 20 and is still a virgin which makes me wonder if he is straight since he had a GF and never tried anything at 20? he sounds like he could be curious to me. We both denouce gay things and acts but in my opinion, i believe the people who deny the most are more gay than anyone. I have never tried anything on him or have never shared any details with my sexual life with him since i am scared to freak him out.

“I am curious if i have a chance to experiment with this guy? he is even asking to get an apartment with me. He has no idea or hint that i am bi so this thoughts may change but otherwise i am deeply in love with this kid and was wondering on what you think. Lately he has keeps avoiding me. i haven’t come off strong. Anyone think he has a crush on me and is trying to kill it by avoiding me? we are starting classes in the fall shortly and we picked all the same classes to be with eachother as “bros” but i am looking for more. How can i make this lust go away? How am i sure what he feels? It is really tearing me apart cause i dont know my next move. we are close but are we that close? I can not sleep at night always thinking about him. I think i will give up and love him as a close friend and nothing more. my life sucks at this point so any advice and encouragement is greatly appreciated : )…”

I did it again.

Long distance relationship, that is. Time to rewind, not sure I’ve given all the info here.

A few months back, I finally decided that the (female) friend I’d had the crush on for so long was never going to be anything more, and that I really ought to get past her. That was partly due to her deciding to take a job literally on the other side of the world, so it’ll be 2-3 years before I’d see her again anyway. And partly I got tired of the idea of long-distance relationships. I’d been looking around here, stepped that up some.

Flashback:

New story

Hello all!

I have a feeling this will be a long post, and I’m hoping that it won’t be in vain since the last post on this topic is almost a month old now.

Why not strip?

“Guys have a thing about being naked in front of other guys.”  Well, of course.  If you’re a guy (at least in the US, and at least under a certain age – see below) then you understand that there’s certain times and places that it’s “okay” to be naked.  And very few of those are in front of other guys.

(Yes, this is written from a particular viewpoint.  I’m aware that many of the guys reading this may not share that viewpoint.  The intent isn’t to offend, merely to describe “majority” behavior. If you just stumbled across this as the first thing you read here, please take some time to read a little more before you flame me for “hate speech”, ‘k?)

Yeah, that’s pretty close.

What is this thing called… “jealousy”?

Dammit.

I want him to find someone.  I do, I do, I really do.  I want him to find a guy, and me to find a (female) wife, and we’ll still be best friends and hang out as much as possible and go camping every summer and what happens at the campground stays at the campground while we’re still being faithful to our respective partners.

That’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to go.  I wrote it all out, even.  Nice little script for everything.

(Not that that’s ever really worked any other time I’ve tried it.)

So why did I instantly get all prickly-jealous at the casual mention of a new friend who persuaded him to actually go out to a club on a Friday night, when that’s not at all his type of thing to do?  This would be the one gay club in town, by the way.  Which he’d previously had zero interest in, as someone who doesn’t like crowded smoky clubs and also isn’t officially out.

Dammit.

Guest Posts Wanted

Hey guys – I’m kinda busy these days and away from my “bro”, but I’m still really interested in stuff about how guys can get close to each other.  I know that people are still stopping by, looking for some help dealing with unexpected feelings and such.  Soooo….

I’d like to open things up for some of you to share your story.  Maybe you’re dealing with being “too close” to a buddy right now, and need a safe anonymous place to get it off your chest.  Maybe you’re already on top of that relationship and have some advice.  I know that there’s been some stories shared in the comments that I’d like to hear more of.

Whichever it is, drop me a line (guystogether@gmail.com) about what you’d like to say and we’ll get the ball rolling.