Deciding

Recently read about a married guy who’s recently come out to his wife as gay. Gay for as long as she’s known him, apparently, and it sounds like it’s been a really difficult thing for them both. Big effects on how they feel about themselves, how they feel about each other, what happens to their marriage, what they should do next. His latest post talks about deciding to basically “ignore it” - that the rest of his life (husband, father, etc.) means more to him than being gay and doing “the gay things”. As he put it,

OK, that wasn’t fair.

Was re-reading that last post, about what was said last night, and what wasn’t said. And I really have to say that I wasn’t being fair about it.

He’s been my best friend for 5 years, brothers in everything except DNA, and we already had that conversation a couple years ago, with a rather different opinion from me: Yes, I really like hanging out with you, just wanted to say that as much as we hang out I really can’t imagine having a boyfriend even though I have no idea if you were hoping for that or not.

And now I pull it out again (the topic! quit being dirty), a couple months before I might leave town forever? And this time ask if he wants to give boyfriends a shot?

Yeah, it really wasn’t fair. I’ll blame the beer, or being sleepy, which is easier to talk about than desperate terror of finding myself all alone again, this time perhaps without even having a job.

Really not handling that well, but there’s no reason to be weird at him about it.

Just be my brother

Hrm.

“So when you think about guys, in a pants-on sort of way,” I asked, “do you think about romance?”

“Picnics on the beach? that kind of thing? Sometimes.”

(Later)

“‘Cause I love you more than I can ever say. And I’m not sure anymore that it’s all brotherly love.”

Leaving… him?

Was “reminded” the other day by my boss that my job ends this summer. (It was a two-year contract position. Not likely to get renewed, and I don’t think I’d take it if he offered. Not been the best “fit”, that job.)

I basically took the job because it was in the same town as I’d been living in for grad school. And thus, the same town as my bro. It’s a nice college/high-tech town, and I mostly haven’t minded living here so long - 9 years now, when I’d only expected 5, tops! But quite honestly, the real reason I took the job was to stay here with him.

Not that I usually allow myself to think about that…

“Hate crimes” legislation is bad, ‘k?

I don’t usually get into politics, particularly not “LGBT issues”. This started out as a comment on 22rants, but it got a bit long so I moved it here. Feel free to blame him

If I murder someone, that’s bad. That should already be punished quite severely - more severely than it usually does, what with pleas of insanity and “extenuating circumstance” or whatever.

If I murder someone who’s not identical to me - then there’s likely to be some kind of reason for it.

I might murder my wife; is it because I want to be rid of her without a divorce, or is it because I hate women?

I might murder my accountant; is it because he knows I’m stealing money from the company, or do I hate him because he’s Jewish?

I might murder my neighbor; am I tired of his poorly-kept yard and the three barking dogs, or do I hate him because he’s black?

The strongest classroom

From a question asked on Yahoo! Answers:

I picture myself having sex with another guy but i definately wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy. I hide this too in front of my friends (like I would insult a gay guy just so they wouldn’t think I’m gay or bi).

I have no idea how old the guy is. (No, it’s not me. Heh.) I assume he was or is a teenager in a public school. The interesting thing was that he feels he has to insult gay guys.

All about the Benjamins?

How much would it take to get you to sleep with someone you don’t want to sleep with?

If you’re straight, how much money would you need to sleep with someone of the same sex?

If you’re a gay guy or a lesbian, would you sleep with a woman or a man?  Not just sleep, of course - this is about gays having sex with women and lesbians having sex with men.

A million?  A thousand?  Two months’ rent?  The next car insurance payment?

Dating guys

One part of being gay/bi that I’ve never quite understood is what two guys would do on a date. Not so much specific ideas for whether they go bowling or play putt-putt¹ - that’s obviously going to depend on what they like to do. Rather, what’s the difference between two guys being “on a date” together and two guys hanging out but not on a date?

Well, the obvious answer is that if it’s a date, at least one of them is probably hoping to wind up in bed together. (In a non-platonic kind of way.)

That is, it’s physical/sexual attraction that makes it a date - without that, they’re just catching a movie together.

So next time we see “Love Actually” at the local British Film Series and he puts his arm around me², then I guess I’ll know.

---

¹ Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

² No, he didn’t actually do that. Wouldn’t have freaked out if he had, although I’m not sure which of us would’ve been more embarassed - it was a pretty crowded theater. Then again, he’s not really “out” so I think he’s a bit more hesitant about doing anything “too gay” in an obvious way. Yeah, funny how I’m more willing to do something than he is…

Nearly came out

… to my brother last night.  We were discussing American Idol (he’s the fan, I just listen), where, apparently, at least two of the male contestants are gay.  “I guess he might be bi,” he said about the one who’d been a male stripper.  “I could hardly blame him for that,” I said; “people would still vote for a bi guy, right? as long as he didn’t make a big deal out of it?”

“Sooo… are you saying you are?”

“Maybe.”

“Mwahahahah! just a little way to go!” he grinned.  (I don’t think he’s ever really been intent on “converting” me, but he does like to tease.)

I guess the only reason I said “maybe” instead of “yes” (at least to him) is that - well, I don’t really see what difference it would make.  I want to settle down with a wife and 2.5 kids.  I’ve thought about “settling” for a “domestic partner” and adopting - but I really can’t find any trace of romantic love in my feelings for him.

Of course, the other way to look at it is to simply open up to him and let him decide what he wants.  I kinda did, at one point - that was a fun conversation:

“So, err, do you wanna be… you know?”

“Wanna be what?”

“Wanna call it ‘boyfriends’?”  (We were curled up together in our underwear on his couch watching TV.)

“Do you want to?”

“Not sure.  I don’t know if I’m ready to have a boyfriend.”

“‘Brothers’ is fine by me.”

It’s still fine by me.  I know I like having a brother :)   Even if he did let me sleep on the couch last night instead of pulling me off to bed.  (Hrmph.)

Close

I wanna get as close to him as I possibly can.

I think he wants that too.

I think tonight’s the night.